Tragedy

Some people may think I'm crazy for posting this, but everyone has trials and tribulations in life. Some sort of tragedy occurs and they need to overcome it. I always thought that my "tragedy" would be a young mom, single parent by choice or death, or something along those lines. Now, I'm not saying that those won't be a trial of mine, because in all fairness I'm only 21. However, at the current moment I face a different tragedy. One I knew was a possibility, but I could have never guessed  it would happen to me now or how defeated it would make me feel. After lots of listening to KLOVE this past week and reading a great book, I'll Hold You in Heaven, I've done quite a bit of thinking. (On a side note, I'm only halfway through the book and I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, no matter the circumstance.)

Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I lost Lochlan, and at my postpartum appointment I took a test. This test revealed that I have Postpartum Depression. It's quite common, and definitely expected in cases like mine where you lose the baby. Yes, I'm grieving for the loss of my son. Not only for the loss of him, but for the loss of LylLeigh and Hunter as well. After a lot of thinking, I've decided not only am I grieving the losses of my babies, but I'm grieving for the loss of future children that I may have and may have had. I'm grieving for the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy, of feeling the flutters of life inside of me, for the motherhood I thought I would experience.

I want you to understand that I'm not saying I will never be a mom, for I am a mother to three beautiful angels in heaven. Nor am I saying I will never be a parent, because I am aware there are options out there. Lastly, I'm not saying I will never have a full term pregnancy, because I believe in miracles and know that science will move forward. DP and I have not received information saying we will never successfully give birth to a baby, but between his history and my own, I'm aware of our chances not being in our favor.

So, for now, I grieve over these losses. I'm depressed that getting pregnant and having a baby is not easy for me, like it is for some. My "tragedy" is not being able to be a mother when, or how I thought. Being a single and/or young mom, wouldn't have been a trial or tribulation for me. Granted I don't want that to happen, because I would be devastated. I know parenting is hard, but I would have a great support system for that situation.

Instead evil has given me something different. Something my support system can't understand, nor have any of them been through it. And I'm grateful of that, because of the hard place it is to be. I wouldn't want any of them to experience this pain I feel. So, it is my trial....evil wants me suffer in the dark and alone.

NKJV John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know now through KLOVE and this book, God didn't take my babies from me, but he is taking care of His children, and they are waiting for me. Yes, I'm still sad, and yes I will always miss them, but that is until we meet again.

And the years fly by

August 24, 2013

It's crazy to think that a year has gone by since I married the love of my life. To celebrate, we went to The Old Spaghetti Factory in Denver, then walked 16th Street Mall as it got dark. I really enjoyed it, because even though we've been through a lot, we're still in love and going strong. Every couple has hard times, but the moments are what make it all worthwhile. Even the blisters I got on my feet from walking in heels that night. 

My husband is the best husband for me, I could not have asked God to give me anyone who would have been a better match. He absolutely adores me, fights for me, loves me, and cares for me. Yes, we drive each other crazy at times, but we are each other's support system.

He is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without him. I thank God for giving me this man, who is my best friend, better half and the love of my life.

August 5, 2013

Our Dearest Snowbug,

We want to let you know that we love you so, so much. Today Mommy went in for a checkup, and we couldn't find your heartbeat. Tomorrow was supposed to be your 20 week A/S, but they brought in an ultrasound machine. You were measuring at 17 weeks, 3 weeks behind, and had no heartbeat. Mommy is going to see a cardiologist to give the go ahead to deliver you tomorrow. We then will know your sex and have your name picked out!

August 6, 2013

So we went to Labor and Delivery around 1 pm. I was already having contractions. After talking with a lot of specialists, we decided to give the labor and delivery process a go. I wanted so badly to give birth to you and hold you. They finally gave me some medicine at 5:30 to help the process of labor along. At 10 pm they checked me and gave me more medicine. By 11:30, I was having contractions every 5 minutes, and soon after you were delivered at 11:42 pm. It was kinda hard to tell, but looks like you're a boy. You were so beautiful. Jammie took pictures, and I got to hold you. Daddy was there every step of the way. He was so strong. We named you Lochlan Whyatt Oliver Ness. You were such a big boy! You were measuring 9 inches long and 7 ounces, which I believe means you were about 19/20 weeks along before your heart stopped beating. We love you and can't wait to see you someday. 

We love you so much our little Snowbug.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Have fun with your brother and sister. Enjoy the clouds and soar for Mommy and I. Your in our hearts.

Love, Daddy

Kayla's Wedding

July 27, 2013

I'm so happy for my best friend, as she walked down the aisle today and said, "I do" to the love of her life and best friend, Mark. I couldn't be happier for the both of them. I'm so glad that God leads people, and crosses their paths in their walk through life. Their paths are now entwined together as one. God has blessed these two people with each other, and I truly believe He has blessed mine as well, as they are a part of my life, and I got to be a witness of their wonderful union. I love you so much Kayla!!!

18 weeks tomorrow!

Bug,
can't believe this pregnancy is flying by so fast. I will be 20 weeks in two weeks, where I get to see you again! Then you will be here before we know it. I can't wait to meet you. Daddy and I finally are for sure on your name, but we won't know what to call you until we meet you though. Jammie will probably call you Little Miss if you turn out to be a girl, which is what her and Daddy think you are. Auntie Kayla thinks you're a boy, and I'm unsure of what to think. I know what no matter what though, we all already love you so much, and will except you for who you are.

We love you ever so much,

Mommy and Daddy

It shall be a surprise!

So Ness and I have our anatomy scan set for August 6th. We decided that we aren't going to find out the gender though. We have names picked out and everything. We just now have to actually get through the ultrasound. We'll see if we're successful I guess. Anyway, Ness is in the middle of packing because at the end of the month we're moving!!! We can't wait to be in a different state. And so happy that we will be with family through this time of bringing a new life into this world. Sorry for the short post. Just wanted to say all was well.

Here comes 16 weeks!!!

I have neglected this blog a little, but the past few weeks have been a little crazy. Ness put me on a mild form of bed rest, because of doctor's recommendations, and it has helped. I was told by one doctor to not lift, push, ect. anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I've been trying to minimize my driving because I drive a standard. I also was sent to a hematologist to get tested for different blood disorders, and I will hopefully get some results on Wednesday.

A month from yesterday, we get to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, and I can't wait. We already have names picked out and everything! Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks, and Bug will be the size of an avocado. Still anxiously waiting to feel the baby move, but it hasn't happened yet.

Also, life has been kinda crazy and due to all the medical things that have been going on with all the different doctors, we decided it would be best to leave earlier than planned. That being said, we will be on our way to Colorado at the end of July, and neither of us could be more excited. This also meant that last Monday was my last appointment with this ob/gyn. I'm a little anxious about not having an appointment for a little over a month, but I go to the doctors in Colorado on August 5th and then have my anatomy scan on the 6th. The 5th is with regular ob/gyn and, and the scan on the 6th is with the perinatologist (high risk doctor). Also on the 6th I meet with the cardiologist. I'm a little nervous with all of these appointments but I'm sure that Bug and I will be just fine.

I will try to keep this more up to date and be on here a bit more.