Tragedy

Some people may think I'm crazy for posting this, but everyone has trials and tribulations in life. Some sort of tragedy occurs and they need to overcome it. I always thought that my "tragedy" would be a young mom, single parent by choice or death, or something along those lines. Now, I'm not saying that those won't be a trial of mine, because in all fairness I'm only 21. However, at the current moment I face a different tragedy. One I knew was a possibility, but I could have never guessed  it would happen to me now or how defeated it would make me feel. After lots of listening to KLOVE this past week and reading a great book, I'll Hold You in Heaven, I've done quite a bit of thinking. (On a side note, I'm only halfway through the book and I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, no matter the circumstance.)

Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I lost Lochlan, and at my postpartum appointment I took a test. This test revealed that I have Postpartum Depression. It's quite common, and definitely expected in cases like mine where you lose the baby. Yes, I'm grieving for the loss of my son. Not only for the loss of him, but for the loss of LylLeigh and Hunter as well. After a lot of thinking, I've decided not only am I grieving the losses of my babies, but I'm grieving for the loss of future children that I may have and may have had. I'm grieving for the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy, of feeling the flutters of life inside of me, for the motherhood I thought I would experience.

I want you to understand that I'm not saying I will never be a mom, for I am a mother to three beautiful angels in heaven. Nor am I saying I will never be a parent, because I am aware there are options out there. Lastly, I'm not saying I will never have a full term pregnancy, because I believe in miracles and know that science will move forward. DP and I have not received information saying we will never successfully give birth to a baby, but between his history and my own, I'm aware of our chances not being in our favor.

So, for now, I grieve over these losses. I'm depressed that getting pregnant and having a baby is not easy for me, like it is for some. My "tragedy" is not being able to be a mother when, or how I thought. Being a single and/or young mom, wouldn't have been a trial or tribulation for me. Granted I don't want that to happen, because I would be devastated. I know parenting is hard, but I would have a great support system for that situation.

Instead evil has given me something different. Something my support system can't understand, nor have any of them been through it. And I'm grateful of that, because of the hard place it is to be. I wouldn't want any of them to experience this pain I feel. So, it is my trial....evil wants me suffer in the dark and alone.

NKJV John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know now through KLOVE and this book, God didn't take my babies from me, but he is taking care of His children, and they are waiting for me. Yes, I'm still sad, and yes I will always miss them, but that is until we meet again.