Day 5: Memory

I didn't do Day 4, because it was Legacy, and I haven't figured it out yet.

My favorite memory was finally during my third pregnancy, I got to hear what a baby's heartbeat sounds like. I was nervous, because we hadn't made it to 9 weeks yet, but at 8w3d, Lochlan had a strong heartbeat that brought tears to my eyes.

Day 3: Myths

It hurts more when you lose them later on....

I didn't want to post a picture for this, because I'm not exactly what kind of picture would capture this, but I've lost three babies two at almost 9 weeks and one at 20 weeks, which I delivered. Every time I heard "There's no heartbeat." My heart broke.

Day 2: Identity

So I started to do this yesterday, but then my computer started acting weird, so I'm posting it this morning...

I have three angel babies, which I refer to as my bugs. Every one of them has been called that in utero. The first we named LylLeigh Clair Mae, and call her Lovebug. My second we chose the name Hunter William Miach, and call him Junebug. These were the names we picked out while I was pregnant with LylLeigh. We though they were a girl and then a boy, so it worked out.

The picture is of what holds our third angel, Lochlan's, ashes. We chose the name Lochlan Whyatt Oliver. He was born at 20 weeks sleeping. He had short little feet, but long legs and arms. He was 9 inches long, and looked as if he was yawning.

They will always be loved and remembered. And when we do have a rainbow baby, they will know that they have a sister and two brothers.

Day 1: Sunrise

To start off, October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness month. I didn't know this until after losing Lochlan, or else I would have probably done this last year as well. As I have been navigating through my grief, I found this out, and a wonderful person host Capture Your Grief, 31 days and 31 photographs. I don't know if I will do everyday, but I thought I'd give it a shot. So at 6:25 in the beautiful Colorado Rockies, I took this picture:

I love this picture. It's surrounded by darkness, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small, but it's there. For my babies, my bugs. I love and miss you all terribly. 

Tragedy

Some people may think I'm crazy for posting this, but everyone has trials and tribulations in life. Some sort of tragedy occurs and they need to overcome it. I always thought that my "tragedy" would be a young mom, single parent by choice or death, or something along those lines. Now, I'm not saying that those won't be a trial of mine, because in all fairness I'm only 21. However, at the current moment I face a different tragedy. One I knew was a possibility, but I could have never guessed  it would happen to me now or how defeated it would make me feel. After lots of listening to KLOVE this past week and reading a great book, I'll Hold You in Heaven, I've done quite a bit of thinking. (On a side note, I'm only halfway through the book and I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, no matter the circumstance.)

Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I lost Lochlan, and at my postpartum appointment I took a test. This test revealed that I have Postpartum Depression. It's quite common, and definitely expected in cases like mine where you lose the baby. Yes, I'm grieving for the loss of my son. Not only for the loss of him, but for the loss of LylLeigh and Hunter as well. After a lot of thinking, I've decided not only am I grieving the losses of my babies, but I'm grieving for the loss of future children that I may have and may have had. I'm grieving for the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy, of feeling the flutters of life inside of me, for the motherhood I thought I would experience.

I want you to understand that I'm not saying I will never be a mom, for I am a mother to three beautiful angels in heaven. Nor am I saying I will never be a parent, because I am aware there are options out there. Lastly, I'm not saying I will never have a full term pregnancy, because I believe in miracles and know that science will move forward. DP and I have not received information saying we will never successfully give birth to a baby, but between his history and my own, I'm aware of our chances not being in our favor.

So, for now, I grieve over these losses. I'm depressed that getting pregnant and having a baby is not easy for me, like it is for some. My "tragedy" is not being able to be a mother when, or how I thought. Being a single and/or young mom, wouldn't have been a trial or tribulation for me. Granted I don't want that to happen, because I would be devastated. I know parenting is hard, but I would have a great support system for that situation.

Instead evil has given me something different. Something my support system can't understand, nor have any of them been through it. And I'm grateful of that, because of the hard place it is to be. I wouldn't want any of them to experience this pain I feel. So, it is my trial....evil wants me suffer in the dark and alone.

NKJV John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know now through KLOVE and this book, God didn't take my babies from me, but he is taking care of His children, and they are waiting for me. Yes, I'm still sad, and yes I will always miss them, but that is until we meet again.

And the years fly by

August 24, 2013

It's crazy to think that a year has gone by since I married the love of my life. To celebrate, we went to The Old Spaghetti Factory in Denver, then walked 16th Street Mall as it got dark. I really enjoyed it, because even though we've been through a lot, we're still in love and going strong. Every couple has hard times, but the moments are what make it all worthwhile. Even the blisters I got on my feet from walking in heels that night. 

My husband is the best husband for me, I could not have asked God to give me anyone who would have been a better match. He absolutely adores me, fights for me, loves me, and cares for me. Yes, we drive each other crazy at times, but we are each other's support system.

He is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without him. I thank God for giving me this man, who is my best friend, better half and the love of my life.

August 5, 2013

Our Dearest Snowbug,

We want to let you know that we love you so, so much. Today Mommy went in for a checkup, and we couldn't find your heartbeat. Tomorrow was supposed to be your 20 week A/S, but they brought in an ultrasound machine. You were measuring at 17 weeks, 3 weeks behind, and had no heartbeat. Mommy is going to see a cardiologist to give the go ahead to deliver you tomorrow. We then will know your sex and have your name picked out!

August 6, 2013

So we went to Labor and Delivery around 1 pm. I was already having contractions. After talking with a lot of specialists, we decided to give the labor and delivery process a go. I wanted so badly to give birth to you and hold you. They finally gave me some medicine at 5:30 to help the process of labor along. At 10 pm they checked me and gave me more medicine. By 11:30, I was having contractions every 5 minutes, and soon after you were delivered at 11:42 pm. It was kinda hard to tell, but looks like you're a boy. You were so beautiful. Jammie took pictures, and I got to hold you. Daddy was there every step of the way. He was so strong. We named you Lochlan Whyatt Oliver Ness. You were such a big boy! You were measuring 9 inches long and 7 ounces, which I believe means you were about 19/20 weeks along before your heart stopped beating. We love you and can't wait to see you someday. 

We love you so much our little Snowbug.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Have fun with your brother and sister. Enjoy the clouds and soar for Mommy and I. Your in our hearts.

Love, Daddy