Long time no chat!

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that I have started (and I mean just wrote my first post 10 minutes ago). The title is called Omnia Causa Fiunt (everything happens for a reason). And it's url:

http://timechangesmanythings.blogspot.com/

Hope you enjoy. Kendra

A new beginning

So I've been away for awhile. I had lots of doctor appointments to go to for my health. This included open heart surgery, which I did last week. So now that after being at the hospital three different times in a week, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I decided I want to make some changes and strive to be better. I want to be a better person, by treating not only others better, but myself as well.

I'm striving to be a better wife. I have to remember to hold myself at times or not remark back unkindly. I love my husband with all my heart, but I could treat him better. I could listen to him more, do things for him, remind him that I love him and keep in mind that we don't speak the same love language. DP is so good to me. While I worked full time , he's been doing studies plus keeping up with the house, which is such a chore. He is also trying to find a job on top of what's already on his plate, and sometimes I forget that I'm taking it for granted. I need to consider his wants, desires and goals, when making decisions.

My mom is another person who I am striving to be better towards. She's open up her home and heart to us, and I'm in such debt to her for that. She has been such a blessing in our lives that we take for granted, not realizing all that she has sacrificed for us. She sacrificed for me as a child, and now as an adult, when I shouldn't have to rely on her so much, but I do appreciate all she has done.

I need to take better care of myself and treat myself better. I know it's a late start to the new year, but it's a new beginning for us as a couple, and me as an individual. After having this surgery, seems like a good time to start. It was a major step in our goals that puts us ahead in some ways, behind in others, but we weren't sure if we'd make it out of the woods. WE DID IT! I decided to try and take care of myself better physically with exercise (which I should be able to do when healed) and eating habits, emotionally by being more open and communicating better with DP, and mentally by setting realistic and achievable short and long term goals for myself.

I have always been and will always be a planner. Of course I ended up marrying my opposite, so we find it difficult to set goals, because I'm always on a timeline, which he's never on. So I hope to be a better person and work on things better with my love.

Where are we?

Just this last week I was talking to someone on how I think DP and I were going to start researching adoption. We had a plan for him to finish school, start working again, move and seriously considering and researching adoption options.

Well, last night as we were going to bed, and he asks if I would want to try again. I was torn. Over the moon with joy, but then I had to ask him, meaning seeing specialists and getting testing, or just us? I'm back to normal cycles again, but I was put on a 3-6 month restriction before trying again because of how far along we were, plus my heart issues need to be figure out first. Obviously it a waiting game, and we're working on the heart complications. It's more specialists, tests and surgery we have to go through.

After I asked him that he started to question his choice. He said we could go through all of that, and still end up with no baby...It broke my heart to hear him say that. The truth, my worst fear was out in the open. Because the truth is, we could go through adoption or infertility issues, and no matter which route we take, it's a lot of money and no promise of a baby. As I explained this to him, I could tell he knows why I'm struggling. All my life I've had  a dream, and I'm so close, yet so far from it. I have no idea if I will achieve this dream, or if that is all it will ever be...just a dream.

So I have no idea where this leaves me, where it leaves us. I want to try again, and yet that is time, patience, research, more doctor bills and visits, possibly heart break and no plan. Or should I forgo that and lean towards adoption, which still takes time, patience, research, lots of bills, possibly heartbreak and no plan.

I do research after research and everything I find talks about the struggles of getting pregnant, which I am unsure if I have or not, but my main problem is my babies don't stay. And it's heartbreak to go through.

I hope someday a small voice will call to me "Mommy"....Someday.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th, which was declared Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have stopped doing the Month of Healing, because it seems to be a chore more so now than it was at the beginning of the month.

I found out my sister-in-law went into labor last night, too early, since she's about 32 weeks along. Both her and the unborn baby are doing well, which I'm very grateful for. My brother-in-law asked if we ever found out what happened to our baby, since they were due around the same time. I told him, which the umbilical cord had twisted too tight, and he said, "well you guys will have a baby soon." I appreciate the thought, but it hurt. Because he doesn't know that we will actually have a baby, and if so, when that will happen. It looks like we'll be more likely adopting,  but my husbands family won't look at that child, our child, the same as they would if I gave birth to it. It's upsetting, but they aren't necessarily very supportive anyway, so I don't believe that my family needs that influence in our life.

In this world there are so many what if's...I hope that someday, sooner than later, DP and I will have a take home, rainbow baby. Until then, we know and love our little angels in heaven, who we will see someday. They will always be remembered, and in honor of their existence, I have lit candles at 7 pm to remember those little lives, who are not with us anymore. For my angels, and friends' angels who I have met on this journey.

Day 10: Beliefs

As far as beliefs go, I have always believed in heaven, but even more so now. It's like I have to believe in it, because in heaven I will see all of my babies again. That is the only way I will ever see my babies again.

P.S. I didn't do Day 9: Music, because no particular song reminds me of any of my Bugs.

Day 8: Color

This is a picture of the sunrise this morning. It worked for color, because The sky was blue, some of the mountains purple, and the other mountains black. I don't know why these colors remind me of my angels, but they do. Dark purple for LylLeigh, darkish blue for Hunter and black/gray for Lochlan.

Day 7: Me Now

I have three angel babies. I've finally learned that it's okay to that it's okay to talk about it, and that I really am a mom. I hope to be a better mom to them. My angels are now 2 at the end of next month, 16 months yesterday, and 2 months yesterday.