Where are we?

Just this last week I was talking to someone on how I think DP and I were going to start researching adoption. We had a plan for him to finish school, start working again, move and seriously considering and researching adoption options.

Well, last night as we were going to bed, and he asks if I would want to try again. I was torn. Over the moon with joy, but then I had to ask him, meaning seeing specialists and getting testing, or just us? I'm back to normal cycles again, but I was put on a 3-6 month restriction before trying again because of how far along we were, plus my heart issues need to be figure out first. Obviously it a waiting game, and we're working on the heart complications. It's more specialists, tests and surgery we have to go through.

After I asked him that he started to question his choice. He said we could go through all of that, and still end up with no baby...It broke my heart to hear him say that. The truth, my worst fear was out in the open. Because the truth is, we could go through adoption or infertility issues, and no matter which route we take, it's a lot of money and no promise of a baby. As I explained this to him, I could tell he knows why I'm struggling. All my life I've had  a dream, and I'm so close, yet so far from it. I have no idea if I will achieve this dream, or if that is all it will ever be...just a dream.

So I have no idea where this leaves me, where it leaves us. I want to try again, and yet that is time, patience, research, more doctor bills and visits, possibly heart break and no plan. Or should I forgo that and lean towards adoption, which still takes time, patience, research, lots of bills, possibly heartbreak and no plan.

I do research after research and everything I find talks about the struggles of getting pregnant, which I am unsure if I have or not, but my main problem is my babies don't stay. And it's heartbreak to go through.

I hope someday a small voice will call to me "Mommy"....Someday.