What an Adventure! Part 1.1

November 4, 2011

Wowsers! This has been quite the past couple of weeks. On the week of October 10th, I had a strange feeling. This feeling I've never had before, and some will never know this feeling. What was this feeling? A one of a kind, 'I might be pregnant.' feeling. Yeah, crazy right? Well, I honestly couldn't remember how many weeks I had been without my monthly friend, but I knew that it had been almost three weeks as a rough estimate. I took a test...and to no suprise, negative. But no matter what that stick said with one little pink line, that feeling didn't go away! It drove me crazy. Over that next week and a half, was one of the longest waits of my life yet! Without my monthly gift still, on Saturday, October 22 I took another. TA-DA!!! Without a doubt, there was two pink lines smiling at me as tears of joy, and nerves rolled down my face. Since then I have looked for information on everything! Now at 5w5d and counting, I'm so excited for this new adventure on my journey of life!!!

December 3, 2011

Sadly, I have to say that this adventure came to an end on November 30th. I went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks and 3 days, where they didn't see the heartbeat. All I have to say is that I will always remember our little lovebug, who we only knew for a short 6 weeks. I know that our angel baby is up in heaven with God and family, and that they will take care of Little Lovebug until I am there.

Lovebug

Positive: Oct 22, 2011 Miscarriage: November 30, 2011 Due Date: July 1, 2012

Who's tiny prints crossed our hearts, but couldn't stay...

Trying to Find Strength

This is so hard for me. I got what is the best news in the world the other day. I know God has a plan for me and what will happen, it's just hard to find His strength in me. Honestly, I have to ways to look at it. I can see this as a mistake or part of His plan for me. I'm going to go with the latter half, and have seen it that way since the beginning. However, I feel at a very weak point in my life due to this news. I tend to be someone who plans in advance and likes to know what's going to happen. This has been a wake up call from Him. I now know that I'm not in control, and that He is the only one that knows. I am trying to find the courage and strength to just trust Him, to put my faith fully in Him and the plan he has for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

*Note: Just a heads up, "What an Adventure!" is a new series I have started to write. I will be posting it around Christmas!

My tattoos...

I would like to create my new tattoo...

As my latest and greatest idea of living my life for Jesus Christ, I have decided to get a tattoo that represents that. It will be a cross, with a black outline, not sure if it will have soft, round edges or straight, hard edges.

For the soft one, I want to the top to be:

J

o

h

n

3:16

The bottom:

J

e

r

a

m

i

a

h

29:11

And one verse on the inside of each arm of the cross...

For the hard edged one, either the same or like:

J

e

r

Corinthians 13:13  a       Hebrews 11:1

m

i

a

h

29:11

Some of you may be asking, "But why a tattoo?" Well, I'll tell you. Each of my tattoos represent and mean something to me. Some are harder to explain than others, but they all have a meaning behind them. My first tattoo I got when I was 18, about a month after my birthday. It is a tribal heart, that I'm guessing most have seen. That is the tattoo with the complicated meaning...so I'm not going to try to explain it. My second tattoo I got was the next year , a month before my 19th birthday. It is a lily, with omnia causa fiunt written along the stem. The lily is my favorite flower, and the saying means, 'Everything happens for a reason,' a saying I have used basically as my motto. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that I can trust in the Lord, and he has a reason for what happens and the way they do. As I have already given you an idea of what my next one will be and what that stands for. And so far, I can only think of one more. It will be a representation of "breaking free". I have to first get a degree before I get this tattoo, but eventually I will get it...

Praying...

I was looking out the window spacing...and something random crossed my mind. I thought to myself, I should be praying. Praying for my future husband. I know it might sound odd, but I don't pray nearly as much as I should. I feel close to God in one sense, but in the other, He's like a friend I don't talk to. I was talking to a friend awhile back and she told me that it's something people do quite often, praying for their future spouse. Even though we don't know them, or we do and we don't know that it's them. I also remember talking to a friend I've had for years now, and a couple of years ago, we were discussing future husbands. Anyway, this isn't to discuss about my future husband, but praying for him. But when I did more research on it there were a lot of praying about yourself and him. So I decided I should start with myself.

God, I turn to you to ask for your help. Help me in putting off these feelings of longing. Help me wait for the proper time for marriage and a family. Lead me to find the one who You have chosen for me. Help me on this Yjourney to build friendships with those around me and with You, so I can be closer with You. When the time does come, You will be there and help me make one of the biggest decisions of my life, and You will help me know if the time has come and he is the one You have chosen for me. Teach me Lord to seek You and Your love first. Help me to remember on this journey of life, You are always there for me. Lead me, Lord, to do Your will for me and not my own. Amen.

Strawberries with sugar :)

So this summer I had all these plans to be healthy. Well, let's just say it didn't work out the way I planned. As you can tell from the title, I'm eating strawberries with sugar on them. Yum!

Anyway, none of my summer really turned out as planned, big surprise there! That's okay though, because it's not quite over yet and I really can't complain about how it has turned out.

I have also decided to delete my facebook. We'll see how that goes over. I still want to and will keep in touch with people, I just don't want a facebook anymore. I hope that makes sense.

Have you ever seen a cat drool? I know it sounds crazy, at least to me it does, because I had never until my cat did it. I for some reason have a cat (who I love dearly...she is my baby and my princess) who acts like a dog half the time and drools, which I guess could go under the dog category.

I think I worry enough not just for me, but enough for my family and friends as well. I'm looking at my schedule for this next semester, and frankly the only free time I will have will be on the weekends, but those too will have to include my daily routine and homework. The time I do have left, I will have to split between a few close people, who are very dear to me. I swear, I won't have a lot of me time.

I know these are little blurb thoughts, but that's okay. It's just what's on my mind, and I thought I'd share. 

That's all I'll say for now. Thanks for reading!

Here's to a hypocritical post...

What I want...

My freshman year of college is winding down to just a month left and I'll be out of here before I know it. I would like to say, that before I leave for the summer, I have done a lot. My best friend Kayla and I have decide to rent part of a house or an apartment next year, which I'm really excited for. Not only that, but I decided what to do with my life in some small sense. I'm not sure what God has in store for me, but I'm going to get an associates degree in Early Childhood Care and Education. I have always wanted to work with children, so we'll see where He takes me from here. Last, I'll be getting a job next semester as part of the program. I'm really excited about this part, because I'll be working in a daycare! Yay!!!

For the next part of my post, the hypocritical part. I know he has plans for me, but there are so many things I want. I want to be out of school and I would love to be a mother. The other day my roomie and I went looking at apartments and the guy asked what we were studying. As usual, she said undecided, and his response was hilarious..."So your taking generals and looking for a husband." To my surprise, she laughed and said, "Something like that." This was news to me. I love her to death, but I was shocked, because she had never said anything to this effect before. I think she was joking, but anything's possible.

I want the guy...I would love to find him. I'm tired of just meeting a guy, them trying to sweep me off my feet, it works, and I end up falling. I hate and am scared of falling...guys have made me scared to fall. I hope that when I meet the right man, that he will be patient with me, love me and support me as I learn to fall in love again.

This was my dream...I wanted to get married to my high school or college sweetheart. I wanted to not go to school, but be a wife and mother instead. And with everyday that passes, I worry that I won't find that, that it isn't in His plans for me. I know that if that's the truth, I will have to accept that. I want so badly to be in love...be married...have a baby. I would be okay if that meant adopting. It doesn't matter to me, God. I just want to...

Please God, I want to trust you, I want to have faith in what you have in store for me, I want you to fill me up with you, your love. Please, please God...I want to wait for him. I need your strength...please.

P.S. I wrote this in April. I finally decided to post it.

Mothers

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."

~Washington Irving

This really should have been posted on Mother's day, but I'm doing it anyway. Mothers are a special gift to us from God. He gave us mom's to love, care, worry, help, encourage, understand, sacrifice, and be there no matter what. No matter how old you are, you know that you can always turn to her.

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."

~Author Unknown

As we grow up, mothers watch over us, love us and take care of us. She shows us the important things in life, like how to love and care, as well as teaches us how to be strong. She protects us from the world, but teaches us the dangers, so later on we can protect ourselves.

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."

~Sophia Loren,Women and Beauty

Being a mother is nowhere near easy. Being a mother takes strength, understanding, love and courage. When you become a mother, you are no longer living for yourself, but for your children and family. When your child hurts, you hurt with them. You have to be strong for them and support them. You are a friend, yet first and foremost a mother.

"A mother understands what a child does not say."

~Author Unknown

I am blessed to have not just one, but two wonderful loving mothers. I have my mommy, and Tina, my step-mom. I love them both dearly. They have been there for me and my four brothers, loved us unconditionally, encouraged us to be what we want to be, protected and yet showed us the world, joys and dangers in it alike, and sacrificed for us. These are two very strong women, and one day when I am a mother, I hope to be like them.

"Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love."

~Mildred B. Vermont

A quote I find funny, and yet kind of true...

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

Wanting to fly...

First, I apologize for it taking so long to get back to writing this. Hopefully, I'll be better since it's summer.

The other day I was talking to a friend of some of the things I want to do before I die. As I was listing them off, I realized I wanted to be in the world God has created for us. The beauty of nature, not only that, but it was as if I want to be able to fly. A few things my list consisted of....

~ Hang Gliding

~ Parasailing

~ Skydiving

Does it sound like fun? I think so. I would love to be in the air. My friend mentioned hot, air balloons and I told them that it kinda takes the fun out of it because your feet are still on a solid surface. I want to have the feeling of freedom in the sky, even if that means while falling. Some call me crazy, like my brother, but that's okay.

Other things on this list consist of things I've already done, things I hope to achieve, and things some people just think are a part of life.

Here are some, if not most of them:

~Ride a motorcycle

~Go sailing

~Get married

~Go skinny-dipping at midnight

~Visit all fifty states

~Take a road trip from one coast to the other

~Ride a train

~Visit Ireland

~Build my home (not actually build it)

~Sleep under the stars

~Get a tattoo

~Have a family

~Own a sailboat

~Spend a night in a famous, haunted hotel

~Watch the sun rise and set within 24 hours

~Watch a meteor shower

~Kiss in the rain

That's all for now. Hopefully, and most likely, this list will continue to grow.

Dying...

I'm not sure about you, but I tend to think about death a lot. But what I tend to think about is rather odd. I question what my purpose in life is. I know that some do this, if not most, but I do this for a particular reason. But here it is...

I am always questioning my purpose in life. I know that God will not take me from this life to be with Him until I've finished my purpose in life.

I read a quote today from a chain email that said, "Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young." It reminded me of the song, If I Die Young by The Band Perry. As I listened to this, I think about all of the things I haven't done in this life, all the things I haven't achieved yet.

It was an odd coincidence that I read another blog today of a friend of mine. The blog however was about life and from their point of view, how everyone's life would be better without them. I was saddened to see this, but happy in another. I know they will read this, so let me get all my thoughts out on why I felt this way.

I was happy when I read the blog for a few reasons. I loved the title of it, and it showed how they felt. Not only that, but it expressed their feelings greatly and I think it's important for anyone to write down thoughts and feelings, whether on a blog, or in a journal and I encourage such.

After reading the blog, I was deeply saddened as well though. I hope they will continue to let me read it after I say this. They expressed great anger and sadness with their life and family. They claimed few friends, which I was not insulted, for I had the honor of reading this, which meant that I'm someone to them. But this reminded me of another quote from the same email, "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab our's back."

I love my friend, and she reminded me of this, because nobody's life is perfect and we all have skeletons in our closets. I wish life was easier for us, everyone, but it doesn't work out that way. As long as we have each other and God, we will make it through this crazy gift of life...

Everything happens for a reason...

I strongly believe that this saying is true. With what has happened in my life, I believe there is a purpose for us. I would like to think that with all that has happened in my life, there is a reason behind it.

It's amazing how this is shown to our society. Everyone has different ways of expressing their thoughts through music, art, and writing. I have done such myself through writing this blog, not only that but an art form of tattoos. I have two tattoos and one of them has everything happens for a reason in Latin. I love it and the only reason why I have this is to serve as a reminder to myself. I believe God has a plan and that for everything that has happened in my life.

God doesn't cause bad things to happen, but He helps you through those times... This is another saying that I believe. It reminds me of a story I love, that I heard a long time ago. It's called Footprints in the Sand:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed You,

You would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you."

~Mary Stevenson

take a deep breath...

Sometimes it's just nice to stop. In life we don't really have a way to just relax, with technology, our world our world no longer revolves around the sun, the simple joys, beauties, moments God puts in our life, or even Himself.

Time is usually not seen as a bad thing, but with time, we wake up before the sun and stay up late into the night. There is a time for everything, and even I find myself talking about how there is not enough hours in the day. We would like to accomplish so much, that when we don't get it done we look at it two ways, either there's always tomorrow, or we get disheartened and seem to never try to finish whatever it may be.

As a student in college, some people may think I have a lot of time. I am a full-time student with no job and no commute to school. Not only have I lost motivation for school work, but it seems as if every one of my professors thinks that their class is the only one I'm taking. I look at my friends, and all of us seem to feel that way. I wonder why we have all lost the will to try. One time my friend got a quote off of facebook that said, "The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!" When she read that, I thought it was completely true. But if that's the case, where did my umph go? I was very excited about coming to college and experiencing being away from home. It has it's ups and downs, but I've realized that this is where God wanted me to be. And in order to continue in the same direction, I need to try to the best of my ability achieve my goals and go down the road He has chosen for me.

I once went for a ride on a motorcycle. The owner of this bike is a friend of the family and someone who means more to me than he will ever know. Not only is he full of adventure and fun, but a great photographer. He is one who often stops to catch and capture the moments that take your breath away in a frame. This motorcycle ride gave me the most unexplainable feelings, but I know I could never experience them again. It was a different perspective seeing the creation of the Lord, the live work He made. The only thing between us was the mask of the motorcycle helmet.

So stop, take a deep breath , take a look around at the beauty. Forget about the time and just see what God has done. In order to appreciate the scenery, you have to clear your mind of the stresses daily life causes.

Faith...

Lately, I have been thinking about what someone told me the other day. Last Saturday I was flying to come back for school after spring break. I was lucky enough to sit next to a smart young man of 17. Usually, those of the male gender around his age I call guys, but he was definitely an exception. I will probably never see him again, but I'm glad God put him in my life, even if it was just for an hour. To start off, he talked. This was the best plane ride I've ever had, even more so since he was a stranger. Andrew and I talked almost the entire plane ride about hobbies, school, home, where we were headed, ect. Towards the end of the ride we came to the topic of the bible and Christianity. I told him about how I was raised Catholic, but not to the extent that I should have been.

My faith had shaken in God and his plan for me when I was a teenager, and now six years later, one of my friends has led me back to Him. I knew only that I believed in God and that Jesus died for our sins...that was the extent. So, this semester I decided to look for a church and I found one after trying at least five churches, which all were different denominations. I have found a church that I love. Everything about it welcomed me and I feel like I belong there. I may not have everyone's support on this new life that I'm living, but I pray God will give me strength, like He did through Andrew.

In the process of landing Andrew looked at me and said that atheists must have a lot more faith, because of all that surrounded us. I saw his point, with faith in God, there's a beautiful canvas that you live in, one you can see, touch, taste, hear and smell. Not only that, but through him, there's a purpose to life and being here. I'm not sure why anyone would want to be here if there was no purpose to it. Last, the fact that there is a promise of everlasting life with Him, instead of this being the end. I thank God for putting Andrew in my life, not only for this point of view, but also for the fact that as we went our separate ways he said that he was glad of my new found faith and hoped that I stayed with it. Little blessings like Andrew showing support and God's love from an almost complete stranger was most encouraging. Even the little things are proof that He's here, waiting, watching, loving and taking care of us.

What you need when you need it...Not what you want when you want it...

In church today, one of the things we talked about how God will give you what you need when you need it, not what you want when you want it. Which is exactly what I needed to hear today. Crazy as it may seem, God works wonders, and He does it all in His timing, not ours. Don't get me wrong, the power of prayer shouldn't be underestimated, because He always will hear you and answer your prayers, just not always with the answer you were expecting or wanted.

Just this past week I had experienced such a thing. I went to my mom's school over my spring break. In her class we couldn't have our phones on, so I turned it off. During the day, I had been brought to a low point because one of my friends had said something that hurt me greatly. Not only that, but I had been just having not a great week because I was bored and alone for most of it. So, at the end of the day I turned my phone back on. I had a new text message that said, "Proverbs 3:5-6 : Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

It was exactly what I needed to hear and the exact time that I needed to hear it. I have to trust the Lord and know that He has a plan for me. Wherever life may lead me, I know that he directs this path and is showing me the way. In the end, where I end up is up to Him and I'm okay with that. I trust Him and have faith that in the life He will give me is a good one. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'll be happy.

Dating and Courting...

I once read a book, Arms of Love, and it has changed my perspective. I used to debunk the idea of courting right away, but I think that is because I really didn't know what it was. Not only that, but I was 15 and in my first dating relationship. So, I didn't read the book. It took me about two years, if not more, to sit and read it (four years after I received it as a gift). Once I did, I fell in love with the idea...and now finally choosing to live for God, five relationships later, and a heart broken more than once, the idea of courting has become appealing.

You may ask what is courting and everyone has their own views, but to me it's more than a relationship...it starts though with a friendship, and two people decide to try being more than just friends. These people try to find out that the other is who they are suppose to spend the rest of their lives together. It's a commit to each other. They have a basis of a friendship and with family, friends and God's help, they decide if it is the right person. That's a brief summary anyway.

Why is this so appealing? Well, no more pain and heartbreak. It's a friendship and if done perfectly, which nothing is besides The Creator, in the end you have a good friend who knows you whether you end up being together forever or not. I would like that. I'm tired of false promises and pain. My heart belongs to God, because I know he won't cause me pain like that. And when the next guy comes along, I'd rather court than date him. Not that I have time for such a thing. Because I need to focus on school and my relationship with God right now. But I'd be happy if he would be willing to court me, because dating isn't about having fun to me, but finding the man I'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with.

Starting new...

As my first post I was just going to start with a brief intro of what this blog means to me. I have recently I started going to a church, which is a whole new experience for me. As I have learned more about this, I have come to a decision of living my life for God. As this is recent though, I know it will be difficult. So, the Thoughts you may read could be of the day, could be about something I read in the bible, or even my thoughts to God. I was talking to a friend today and had an epiphany, that I didn't need to tell someone in particular about them, but just needed to write them down. So that's what this is...a place for my thoughts. I hope that you may find this inspiring. As I've said before that this was the first post, what I didn't mention is that this is my first actual blog...and I don't expect to be good at it. Another reason for this blog, is it will be something that I can keep and have some control of. As I give up my life to God...(and school) I will not, do not, have control over it...so now I guess in some sense I'll be telling you or whoever reads this, about my loss of control in my life. Haha...have fun reading and enjoy this wonderful gift called life with me.