Where are we?

Just this last week I was talking to someone on how I think DP and I were going to start researching adoption. We had a plan for him to finish school, start working again, move and seriously considering and researching adoption options.

Well, last night as we were going to bed, and he asks if I would want to try again. I was torn. Over the moon with joy, but then I had to ask him, meaning seeing specialists and getting testing, or just us? I'm back to normal cycles again, but I was put on a 3-6 month restriction before trying again because of how far along we were, plus my heart issues need to be figure out first. Obviously it a waiting game, and we're working on the heart complications. It's more specialists, tests and surgery we have to go through.

After I asked him that he started to question his choice. He said we could go through all of that, and still end up with no baby...It broke my heart to hear him say that. The truth, my worst fear was out in the open. Because the truth is, we could go through adoption or infertility issues, and no matter which route we take, it's a lot of money and no promise of a baby. As I explained this to him, I could tell he knows why I'm struggling. All my life I've had  a dream, and I'm so close, yet so far from it. I have no idea if I will achieve this dream, or if that is all it will ever be...just a dream.

So I have no idea where this leaves me, where it leaves us. I want to try again, and yet that is time, patience, research, more doctor bills and visits, possibly heart break and no plan. Or should I forgo that and lean towards adoption, which still takes time, patience, research, lots of bills, possibly heartbreak and no plan.

I do research after research and everything I find talks about the struggles of getting pregnant, which I am unsure if I have or not, but my main problem is my babies don't stay. And it's heartbreak to go through.

I hope someday a small voice will call to me "Mommy"....Someday.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th, which was declared Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have stopped doing the Month of Healing, because it seems to be a chore more so now than it was at the beginning of the month.

I found out my sister-in-law went into labor last night, too early, since she's about 32 weeks along. Both her and the unborn baby are doing well, which I'm very grateful for. My brother-in-law asked if we ever found out what happened to our baby, since they were due around the same time. I told him, which the umbilical cord had twisted too tight, and he said, "well you guys will have a baby soon." I appreciate the thought, but it hurt. Because he doesn't know that we will actually have a baby, and if so, when that will happen. It looks like we'll be more likely adopting,  but my husbands family won't look at that child, our child, the same as they would if I gave birth to it. It's upsetting, but they aren't necessarily very supportive anyway, so I don't believe that my family needs that influence in our life.

In this world there are so many what if's...I hope that someday, sooner than later, DP and I will have a take home, rainbow baby. Until then, we know and love our little angels in heaven, who we will see someday. They will always be remembered, and in honor of their existence, I have lit candles at 7 pm to remember those little lives, who are not with us anymore. For my angels, and friends' angels who I have met on this journey.

Day 10: Beliefs

As far as beliefs go, I have always believed in heaven, but even more so now. It's like I have to believe in it, because in heaven I will see all of my babies again. That is the only way I will ever see my babies again.

P.S. I didn't do Day 9: Music, because no particular song reminds me of any of my Bugs.

Day 8: Color

This is a picture of the sunrise this morning. It worked for color, because The sky was blue, some of the mountains purple, and the other mountains black. I don't know why these colors remind me of my angels, but they do. Dark purple for LylLeigh, darkish blue for Hunter and black/gray for Lochlan.

Day 7: Me Now

I have three angel babies. I've finally learned that it's okay to that it's okay to talk about it, and that I really am a mom. I hope to be a better mom to them. My angels are now 2 at the end of next month, 16 months yesterday, and 2 months yesterday.

Day 6: Rituals

I don't really have any rituals yet, except one. I have lost a baby every year for the past three years. So around Christmas time, I will go and purchase an ornament for the baby that passed that year, so every child of mine will have their own.

Also, today Lochlan is 2 months old in heaven. I miss you Bugs!

Day 5: Memory

I didn't do Day 4, because it was Legacy, and I haven't figured it out yet.

My favorite memory was finally during my third pregnancy, I got to hear what a baby's heartbeat sounds like. I was nervous, because we hadn't made it to 9 weeks yet, but at 8w3d, Lochlan had a strong heartbeat that brought tears to my eyes.

Day 3: Myths

It hurts more when you lose them later on....

I didn't want to post a picture for this, because I'm not exactly what kind of picture would capture this, but I've lost three babies two at almost 9 weeks and one at 20 weeks, which I delivered. Every time I heard "There's no heartbeat." My heart broke.

Day 2: Identity

So I started to do this yesterday, but then my computer started acting weird, so I'm posting it this morning...

I have three angel babies, which I refer to as my bugs. Every one of them has been called that in utero. The first we named LylLeigh Clair Mae, and call her Lovebug. My second we chose the name Hunter William Miach, and call him Junebug. These were the names we picked out while I was pregnant with LylLeigh. We though they were a girl and then a boy, so it worked out.

The picture is of what holds our third angel, Lochlan's, ashes. We chose the name Lochlan Whyatt Oliver. He was born at 20 weeks sleeping. He had short little feet, but long legs and arms. He was 9 inches long, and looked as if he was yawning.

They will always be loved and remembered. And when we do have a rainbow baby, they will know that they have a sister and two brothers.

Day 1: Sunrise

To start off, October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness month. I didn't know this until after losing Lochlan, or else I would have probably done this last year as well. As I have been navigating through my grief, I found this out, and a wonderful person host Capture Your Grief, 31 days and 31 photographs. I don't know if I will do everyday, but I thought I'd give it a shot. So at 6:25 in the beautiful Colorado Rockies, I took this picture:

I love this picture. It's surrounded by darkness, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small, but it's there. For my babies, my bugs. I love and miss you all terribly. 

Tragedy

Some people may think I'm crazy for posting this, but everyone has trials and tribulations in life. Some sort of tragedy occurs and they need to overcome it. I always thought that my "tragedy" would be a young mom, single parent by choice or death, or something along those lines. Now, I'm not saying that those won't be a trial of mine, because in all fairness I'm only 21. However, at the current moment I face a different tragedy. One I knew was a possibility, but I could have never guessed  it would happen to me now or how defeated it would make me feel. After lots of listening to KLOVE this past week and reading a great book, I'll Hold You in Heaven, I've done quite a bit of thinking. (On a side note, I'm only halfway through the book and I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, no matter the circumstance.)

Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I lost Lochlan, and at my postpartum appointment I took a test. This test revealed that I have Postpartum Depression. It's quite common, and definitely expected in cases like mine where you lose the baby. Yes, I'm grieving for the loss of my son. Not only for the loss of him, but for the loss of LylLeigh and Hunter as well. After a lot of thinking, I've decided not only am I grieving the losses of my babies, but I'm grieving for the loss of future children that I may have and may have had. I'm grieving for the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy, of feeling the flutters of life inside of me, for the motherhood I thought I would experience.

I want you to understand that I'm not saying I will never be a mom, for I am a mother to three beautiful angels in heaven. Nor am I saying I will never be a parent, because I am aware there are options out there. Lastly, I'm not saying I will never have a full term pregnancy, because I believe in miracles and know that science will move forward. DP and I have not received information saying we will never successfully give birth to a baby, but between his history and my own, I'm aware of our chances not being in our favor.

So, for now, I grieve over these losses. I'm depressed that getting pregnant and having a baby is not easy for me, like it is for some. My "tragedy" is not being able to be a mother when, or how I thought. Being a single and/or young mom, wouldn't have been a trial or tribulation for me. Granted I don't want that to happen, because I would be devastated. I know parenting is hard, but I would have a great support system for that situation.

Instead evil has given me something different. Something my support system can't understand, nor have any of them been through it. And I'm grateful of that, because of the hard place it is to be. I wouldn't want any of them to experience this pain I feel. So, it is my trial....evil wants me suffer in the dark and alone.

NKJV John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know now through KLOVE and this book, God didn't take my babies from me, but he is taking care of His children, and they are waiting for me. Yes, I'm still sad, and yes I will always miss them, but that is until we meet again.

And the years fly by

August 24, 2013

It's crazy to think that a year has gone by since I married the love of my life. To celebrate, we went to The Old Spaghetti Factory in Denver, then walked 16th Street Mall as it got dark. I really enjoyed it, because even though we've been through a lot, we're still in love and going strong. Every couple has hard times, but the moments are what make it all worthwhile. Even the blisters I got on my feet from walking in heels that night. 

My husband is the best husband for me, I could not have asked God to give me anyone who would have been a better match. He absolutely adores me, fights for me, loves me, and cares for me. Yes, we drive each other crazy at times, but we are each other's support system.

He is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without him. I thank God for giving me this man, who is my best friend, better half and the love of my life.

August 5, 2013

Our Dearest Snowbug,

We want to let you know that we love you so, so much. Today Mommy went in for a checkup, and we couldn't find your heartbeat. Tomorrow was supposed to be your 20 week A/S, but they brought in an ultrasound machine. You were measuring at 17 weeks, 3 weeks behind, and had no heartbeat. Mommy is going to see a cardiologist to give the go ahead to deliver you tomorrow. We then will know your sex and have your name picked out!

August 6, 2013

So we went to Labor and Delivery around 1 pm. I was already having contractions. After talking with a lot of specialists, we decided to give the labor and delivery process a go. I wanted so badly to give birth to you and hold you. They finally gave me some medicine at 5:30 to help the process of labor along. At 10 pm they checked me and gave me more medicine. By 11:30, I was having contractions every 5 minutes, and soon after you were delivered at 11:42 pm. It was kinda hard to tell, but looks like you're a boy. You were so beautiful. Jammie took pictures, and I got to hold you. Daddy was there every step of the way. He was so strong. We named you Lochlan Whyatt Oliver Ness. You were such a big boy! You were measuring 9 inches long and 7 ounces, which I believe means you were about 19/20 weeks along before your heart stopped beating. We love you and can't wait to see you someday. 

We love you so much our little Snowbug.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Have fun with your brother and sister. Enjoy the clouds and soar for Mommy and I. Your in our hearts.

Love, Daddy

Kayla's Wedding

July 27, 2013

I'm so happy for my best friend, as she walked down the aisle today and said, "I do" to the love of her life and best friend, Mark. I couldn't be happier for the both of them. I'm so glad that God leads people, and crosses their paths in their walk through life. Their paths are now entwined together as one. God has blessed these two people with each other, and I truly believe He has blessed mine as well, as they are a part of my life, and I got to be a witness of their wonderful union. I love you so much Kayla!!!

18 weeks tomorrow!

Bug,
can't believe this pregnancy is flying by so fast. I will be 20 weeks in two weeks, where I get to see you again! Then you will be here before we know it. I can't wait to meet you. Daddy and I finally are for sure on your name, but we won't know what to call you until we meet you though. Jammie will probably call you Little Miss if you turn out to be a girl, which is what her and Daddy think you are. Auntie Kayla thinks you're a boy, and I'm unsure of what to think. I know what no matter what though, we all already love you so much, and will except you for who you are.

We love you ever so much,

Mommy and Daddy

It shall be a surprise!

So Ness and I have our anatomy scan set for August 6th. We decided that we aren't going to find out the gender though. We have names picked out and everything. We just now have to actually get through the ultrasound. We'll see if we're successful I guess. Anyway, Ness is in the middle of packing because at the end of the month we're moving!!! We can't wait to be in a different state. And so happy that we will be with family through this time of bringing a new life into this world. Sorry for the short post. Just wanted to say all was well.

Here comes 16 weeks!!!

I have neglected this blog a little, but the past few weeks have been a little crazy. Ness put me on a mild form of bed rest, because of doctor's recommendations, and it has helped. I was told by one doctor to not lift, push, ect. anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I've been trying to minimize my driving because I drive a standard. I also was sent to a hematologist to get tested for different blood disorders, and I will hopefully get some results on Wednesday.

A month from yesterday, we get to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, and I can't wait. We already have names picked out and everything! Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks, and Bug will be the size of an avocado. Still anxiously waiting to feel the baby move, but it hasn't happened yet.

Also, life has been kinda crazy and due to all the medical things that have been going on with all the different doctors, we decided it would be best to leave earlier than planned. That being said, we will be on our way to Colorado at the end of July, and neither of us could be more excited. This also meant that last Monday was my last appointment with this ob/gyn. I'm a little anxious about not having an appointment for a little over a month, but I go to the doctors in Colorado on August 5th and then have my anatomy scan on the 6th. The 5th is with regular ob/gyn and, and the scan on the 6th is with the perinatologist (high risk doctor). Also on the 6th I meet with the cardiologist. I'm a little nervous with all of these appointments but I'm sure that Bug and I will be just fine.

I will try to keep this more up to date and be on here a bit more.

June 18, 2013

Bug,

So I went to the doctor's unexpectedly again. I got to see you and you're little heart beating away at 144. You were measuring 5 days ahead at 13w6d. I got to see your feet, and legs. You are the cutest little baby already. We love you so much. We're not nearly out of the woods yet, but since we're past first trimester, I'm going to finally post these tomorrow when I get your pictures on here. We're in the midst of packing and getting ready to leave at the end of July. I have an appointment to see you on August 5th at the new doctor's office. We love you so much.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

June 13, 2013

Hi Bug, So last night I was bleeding again. And because of that, I went back up to the doctor's. I ended up getting to see you, but the measurement was done wrong, so it says that you are 12w3d, but I know you are bigger than that.You're heartbeat was still strong at 155 and that's what's important. Mommy is getting sent to a hematologist though to figure out this bleeding issue.We love you so much Bug and a bunch of people are praying for you. Hang in there!

Love, Mommy and Daddy

June 9th and 10th 2013

Hi Little Bug,

So we decided you are an attention seeker.You scared Mommy and Daddy again. We were on our way to tell Grandma Tina and your uncles on Sunday about you, when I started bleeding. So we went home instead and waited it out until Monday morning. The next morning, we wen't to see the doctor and you know what? They nicely gave us an ultrasound; which they normally don't have space for extra people. Daddy and I were laughing saying how you decided that eight weeks is too far away for Daddy to see you again, so you decided something had to happen. We got to see you with a heartbeat of 160! Not only that but you had an ultrasound on Thursday, and in four days you grew eight!!! You were measuring at 12w5d, so you definitely had a growth spurt. Also, today, Monday, I got to feel were you are. I have officially felt my uterus come up and Daddy could feel it too. We love you so much Bug, keep hanging in there! We will here your heartbeat on July 1st!

Love, Mommy

June 6, 2013

Bug,

Auntie Kayla had the chance to come with me today, and she got to see you on the ultrasound. We got to see you in the 3D image, and you were so cute! You put your hands up by your head and started dancing like a worm or something. You measured at 11w4d with a heartbeat of 158. Not only did we get to see your heartbeat, but they took us back and we got to hear it on the doppler. Daddy and I think we might be able to feel your home right now, which is neat. It's so amazing to watch you move in there. Daddy will be at your next two appointments, so he can hear your heartbeat on the doppler, and then we will have another ultrasound and the one after that. We're almost out of the woods, just keep growing and keep that little heart beating. We'll hear it again in about four weeks on July 1st!

Love, Mommy

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

June 5, 2013

Bug,

The reason why I have two different dates on this one is because the title was the date of the appointment, but today is the 5th of June. I can't wait to see you again tomorrow, but until then I'll tell you how last week's appointment went. It was so good to see you. I got another u/s from the week before's scare. You were supposed to be measuring at 10w1d, and much to my delight you were measuring at 10w4d!!! We still have the due date set for December 23rd. And your little heart was beating 162 bpm! This makes Jammie (that's grandma's name) think that you are a girl, especially since I've had days were I'm sick all day long. Whichever you are, we will love you all the same. Just keep growing and may your heart keep beating!

With lots of love, Mommy

May 21, 2013

May 22, 2013

Our Little Bug,

You gave us quite a scare yesterday. I started bleeding bright red yesterday and took a trip to the doctors. We didn't get to see you, but we are supposed to on the 28th, just to make you you still have a heartbeat and are growing like you are supposed to. You show be just over 10 weeks! I'm still getting sick as ever, which is a good sign I believe. I have stopped bleeding now, and I didn't pass any clots, which is good. As of today, just resting because I can't keep anything besides popsicles down. Love you Bug, and I'll see you in a week. Everyone's praying for you.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

First Appointment!

May 16, 2013

Hey Bug!!!

I'm so proud of you. I want to let you know that daddy and I love you so much! We had our first appointment today, which we thought we would be at 11 weeks tomorrow with you. We were definitely off, but you were there. You're measuring at 8 weeks and 3 days, and guess what? Daddy saw you're heartbeat before I did! It was at 170, so it was nice and strong. I cried when I heard the tech ask if we saw that flicker, and that told me that you are alive and thriving. I can't believe that I didn't see it, but she went back, so I could see it. It was amazing to see it beating away, and we got to hear it too! I'm a little nervous because we haven't made it past the 8w5/6d mark, but the u/s tech said she wasn't concerned. Also, we get to see you again on June 6th! The doctor nicely gave us an extra u/s for you just to make sure that you are where you're supposed to be at 12 weeks. I know we aren't out of the woods yet, but it seems like we've made leaps and bounds with you already! We love you lots! And your due date has switched to December 23rd! We are looking forward to a Christmas baby.

~Mommy

So to the rest of you, we're hoping that the next appointment goes well. This means that we hope to see a baby measuring about 12 weeks with a strong hb. So far I have had sore bb, fatigue, all-day nausea and have been throwing up every morning since Saturday. So I will talk to you all soon!

Decisions, Decisions

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

So we have a doctor's appointment for Thursday, a week from tomorrow and I am so anxious. I'm officially out of school and will graduate on Friday! I'm so excited, and yet I have not been feeling well at all. On Sunday I had my first bout of throwing up from morning sickness along with all-day nausea. Sadly it didn't stop there, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. I may sound crazy, but I'm perfectly fine with all these symptoms. It hopefully means that I still have a baby thriving inside of me. I'm not only anxious, but excited for Thursday. I hope everything goes so well and that we see our little bug growing past 8.5 weeks with a precious heartbeat.

Tuesday, April 23rd

So I'm titling these by the date, because these won't get posted when I actually write them. You all know why that is.

So, today (2/23) I took a test. It came back positive!!! Majorly BFP, putting me at about 7.5 weeks. We're so excited, but trying to keep it under wraps so shhh for now. According to my calculator, I should be due in  early December. When I go to my OB appointment, they will tell me how far along I am and if there's a heartbeat...thoughts and prayers for the baby please.

Dinner and yummy water

So tonight was my night to cook dinner again and I had to share. This past weekend I was at the store, and I ended up picking up brown rice and quinoa, to be a bit more healthy and add some variety to our meals. Tonight for dinner I decided to make a quinoa and bean salad. I used the white quinoa, because it was what was at the store. Yes, it's served cold.  So, here it is:

Cook 1 cup quinoa according to box directions, put aside in fridge for 2 hours.
Chop up 2 oz of red peppers, green peppers, purple onion and black olives each, set aside.
Drain and rinse a can of red kidney beans, white kidney beans and black beans.
Drain one can of diced tomatoes.

After the two hours, mix all ingredients together.
Add in 1/4 cup of Zesty Italian Dressing, stir well.
 Put it in the fridge for about one hour.


My yummy water is just one lemon and one full glass of sparkling water.

Kendra's Mac and Cheese

So one thing I haven't really told you about is my husband and I love our kitchen. At the moment, we've been busy with work and school, but tonight was my turn to make dinner. I like it so much, I had to write about it. I adapted this recipe from The Pioneer Woman.

So to start I boiled 1 lb of Italian Trio pasta.
Chop up about 1 oz of green peppers, red peppers and broccoli each. Set aside.
Whisk 1 egg in a separate bowl, set aside.
In a big pot I melted 4 oz of salted butter, whisked in 1/4 cup of flour, cooked for about 5 min making a roux.
Then poured in 2 1/2 cups of whole milk.
Dump in about 1 Tbsp of Golden Spicy Mustard and whisk.
Take  some of the cream sauce and whisk it into the egg. This is called tempering. Then you poor the egg into the pot.
Once this is whisked, pour the egg into the pot and whisk again.Once it's combined, add the veggies.
Shred 2 lbs of cheese. I used 1 lb of Jalapeno Velveeta and 1 lb of white cheddar (the better the quality the better the taste).
Add the cheese and let it melt before adding pepper, salt and paprika to taste.
Mix in pasta.

*It is delicious if I do say so myself. And my husband and his friend liked it too. The only thing I'd change for next time, is use the cheddar, and chop up finely a real jalapeno.

Almost done!!!

I can't believe it. I have less than four weeks of school left including finals week, and still so much to do. Sorry, but I've been so busy, I haven't had time to write between work and school. So my husband and I have talk more about having a baby, and once we go to Colorado, I think we'll be looking into fertility clinics. Until then, I will be researching this summer to learn about IVF and testing and whatever else there is out there. I'm excited to be going to Colorado, because they have some highly rated fertility clinics. I think little by little we're taking baby steps to reach our goal of becoming parents!

thinking, dreaming, hoping, wishing and praying...

My husband glanced over at the screen and said that I should let you know that "We're working hard." I then asked him what we're working hard on, and to that he said a baby. I had heard a poem somewhere, and it's so true. granted it might not be word for word, but I want to have it hanging in the nursery when we do have a baby.

Before we even knew you,

We thought about you;

We wished for you;

We dreamed about you;

We prayed for you;

We loved you.

Hopefully sometime soon I can bring you happy news about a blessing in our lives. But until then, I'll keep talking to you. Not sure what about though....oh well, until next time!

a home is a home is a home

While I was growing up, my mom always said to us that she didn't want to raise us in a trailer, apartment, but in a house. She wanted us to have a place that we could always call home. Years later I look back at this, and I'm glad I don't have the same thought process. As still newlyweds, we live in an apartment. Lately, we've talked about moving after I graduate and living with my mom to get some money saved up. From there, we've talked about getting a trailer to get DP through school. Once we've done that, maybe figuring out where we want to settle and building a house. Yes, we may have kids along this path, but I'm okay with that. I've known all sorts of families that come from all sorts of places, and the one thing I've learned is that it doesn't matter if you live in an apartment, trailer, or house; you make that your home. I believe that saying, home is where the heart is. I know that no matter where we are, as long as I'm with my husband, I'm home.

Sorry for the short post, and it taking so long.

It's that time again

So the semester started this past week, and good news is I think I'll pass all my classes. This of course means I'll graduate this semester! Not only that but it looks like we'll be moving to Colorado this May and we're super excited.

Lately I've been thinking about my angel babies, and I finally went and got a tattoo in memory of them. It turned out perfect. I miss them and think about them everyday. I wanted them to be in this life so much, but one day, I will see them again. Just wanted to let our little bugs know that Mommy and Daddy love and miss you both, LylLeigh and Hunter.

Happy New Year

I know it's January 3rd, so this is a little late. I cannot believe another year has come and gone, and so much has changed. December 31st marked a year of Ness and I living together, and it is so exciting. This year seems to have flown by, but I have some fantastic memories from it, and some sad ones too.

Anyway, there are some changes on the blog, obviously. The picture us from our vacation, where we went to see my family. I wanted this blog to reflect more us, than me now that I have found him....hence a new url as well. This is my blog and it's about our journey, or at least my version of our story.

As a New Year's Resolution, I will try to blog more often, at least twice a month, but I won't try to come up with something to blog about. I don't want this to become a stress for me. For the rest of my resolutions, I will spend more time with God, keep a clean apartment, and budget better.

I will try to keep up. Thanks!!!