Where are we?

Just this last week I was talking to someone on how I think DP and I were going to start researching adoption. We had a plan for him to finish school, start working again, move and seriously considering and researching adoption options.

Well, last night as we were going to bed, and he asks if I would want to try again. I was torn. Over the moon with joy, but then I had to ask him, meaning seeing specialists and getting testing, or just us? I'm back to normal cycles again, but I was put on a 3-6 month restriction before trying again because of how far along we were, plus my heart issues need to be figure out first. Obviously it a waiting game, and we're working on the heart complications. It's more specialists, tests and surgery we have to go through.

After I asked him that he started to question his choice. He said we could go through all of that, and still end up with no baby...It broke my heart to hear him say that. The truth, my worst fear was out in the open. Because the truth is, we could go through adoption or infertility issues, and no matter which route we take, it's a lot of money and no promise of a baby. As I explained this to him, I could tell he knows why I'm struggling. All my life I've had  a dream, and I'm so close, yet so far from it. I have no idea if I will achieve this dream, or if that is all it will ever be...just a dream.

So I have no idea where this leaves me, where it leaves us. I want to try again, and yet that is time, patience, research, more doctor bills and visits, possibly heart break and no plan. Or should I forgo that and lean towards adoption, which still takes time, patience, research, lots of bills, possibly heartbreak and no plan.

I do research after research and everything I find talks about the struggles of getting pregnant, which I am unsure if I have or not, but my main problem is my babies don't stay. And it's heartbreak to go through.

I hope someday a small voice will call to me "Mommy"....Someday.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th, which was declared Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have stopped doing the Month of Healing, because it seems to be a chore more so now than it was at the beginning of the month.

I found out my sister-in-law went into labor last night, too early, since she's about 32 weeks along. Both her and the unborn baby are doing well, which I'm very grateful for. My brother-in-law asked if we ever found out what happened to our baby, since they were due around the same time. I told him, which the umbilical cord had twisted too tight, and he said, "well you guys will have a baby soon." I appreciate the thought, but it hurt. Because he doesn't know that we will actually have a baby, and if so, when that will happen. It looks like we'll be more likely adopting,  but my husbands family won't look at that child, our child, the same as they would if I gave birth to it. It's upsetting, but they aren't necessarily very supportive anyway, so I don't believe that my family needs that influence in our life.

In this world there are so many what if's...I hope that someday, sooner than later, DP and I will have a take home, rainbow baby. Until then, we know and love our little angels in heaven, who we will see someday. They will always be remembered, and in honor of their existence, I have lit candles at 7 pm to remember those little lives, who are not with us anymore. For my angels, and friends' angels who I have met on this journey.

Day 10: Beliefs

As far as beliefs go, I have always believed in heaven, but even more so now. It's like I have to believe in it, because in heaven I will see all of my babies again. That is the only way I will ever see my babies again.

P.S. I didn't do Day 9: Music, because no particular song reminds me of any of my Bugs.

Day 8: Color

This is a picture of the sunrise this morning. It worked for color, because The sky was blue, some of the mountains purple, and the other mountains black. I don't know why these colors remind me of my angels, but they do. Dark purple for LylLeigh, darkish blue for Hunter and black/gray for Lochlan.

Day 7: Me Now

I have three angel babies. I've finally learned that it's okay to that it's okay to talk about it, and that I really am a mom. I hope to be a better mom to them. My angels are now 2 at the end of next month, 16 months yesterday, and 2 months yesterday.

Day 6: Rituals

I don't really have any rituals yet, except one. I have lost a baby every year for the past three years. So around Christmas time, I will go and purchase an ornament for the baby that passed that year, so every child of mine will have their own.

Also, today Lochlan is 2 months old in heaven. I miss you Bugs!

Day 5: Memory

I didn't do Day 4, because it was Legacy, and I haven't figured it out yet.

My favorite memory was finally during my third pregnancy, I got to hear what a baby's heartbeat sounds like. I was nervous, because we hadn't made it to 9 weeks yet, but at 8w3d, Lochlan had a strong heartbeat that brought tears to my eyes.

Day 3: Myths

It hurts more when you lose them later on....

I didn't want to post a picture for this, because I'm not exactly what kind of picture would capture this, but I've lost three babies two at almost 9 weeks and one at 20 weeks, which I delivered. Every time I heard "There's no heartbeat." My heart broke.

Day 2: Identity

So I started to do this yesterday, but then my computer started acting weird, so I'm posting it this morning...

I have three angel babies, which I refer to as my bugs. Every one of them has been called that in utero. The first we named LylLeigh Clair Mae, and call her Lovebug. My second we chose the name Hunter William Miach, and call him Junebug. These were the names we picked out while I was pregnant with LylLeigh. We though they were a girl and then a boy, so it worked out.

The picture is of what holds our third angel, Lochlan's, ashes. We chose the name Lochlan Whyatt Oliver. He was born at 20 weeks sleeping. He had short little feet, but long legs and arms. He was 9 inches long, and looked as if he was yawning.

They will always be loved and remembered. And when we do have a rainbow baby, they will know that they have a sister and two brothers.

Day 1: Sunrise

To start off, October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness month. I didn't know this until after losing Lochlan, or else I would have probably done this last year as well. As I have been navigating through my grief, I found this out, and a wonderful person host Capture Your Grief, 31 days and 31 photographs. I don't know if I will do everyday, but I thought I'd give it a shot. So at 6:25 in the beautiful Colorado Rockies, I took this picture:

I love this picture. It's surrounded by darkness, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small, but it's there. For my babies, my bugs. I love and miss you all terribly.