Long time no chat!

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that I have started (and I mean just wrote my first post 10 minutes ago). The title is called Omnia Causa Fiunt (everything happens for a reason). And it's url:

http://timechangesmanythings.blogspot.com/

Hope you enjoy. Kendra

A new beginning

So I've been away for awhile. I had lots of doctor appointments to go to for my health. This included open heart surgery, which I did last week. So now that after being at the hospital three different times in a week, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I decided I want to make some changes and strive to be better. I want to be a better person, by treating not only others better, but myself as well.

I'm striving to be a better wife. I have to remember to hold myself at times or not remark back unkindly. I love my husband with all my heart, but I could treat him better. I could listen to him more, do things for him, remind him that I love him and keep in mind that we don't speak the same love language. DP is so good to me. While I worked full time , he's been doing studies plus keeping up with the house, which is such a chore. He is also trying to find a job on top of what's already on his plate, and sometimes I forget that I'm taking it for granted. I need to consider his wants, desires and goals, when making decisions.

My mom is another person who I am striving to be better towards. She's open up her home and heart to us, and I'm in such debt to her for that. She has been such a blessing in our lives that we take for granted, not realizing all that she has sacrificed for us. She sacrificed for me as a child, and now as an adult, when I shouldn't have to rely on her so much, but I do appreciate all she has done.

I need to take better care of myself and treat myself better. I know it's a late start to the new year, but it's a new beginning for us as a couple, and me as an individual. After having this surgery, seems like a good time to start. It was a major step in our goals that puts us ahead in some ways, behind in others, but we weren't sure if we'd make it out of the woods. WE DID IT! I decided to try and take care of myself better physically with exercise (which I should be able to do when healed) and eating habits, emotionally by being more open and communicating better with DP, and mentally by setting realistic and achievable short and long term goals for myself.

I have always been and will always be a planner. Of course I ended up marrying my opposite, so we find it difficult to set goals, because I'm always on a timeline, which he's never on. So I hope to be a better person and work on things better with my love.

Where are we?

Just this last week I was talking to someone on how I think DP and I were going to start researching adoption. We had a plan for him to finish school, start working again, move and seriously considering and researching adoption options.

Well, last night as we were going to bed, and he asks if I would want to try again. I was torn. Over the moon with joy, but then I had to ask him, meaning seeing specialists and getting testing, or just us? I'm back to normal cycles again, but I was put on a 3-6 month restriction before trying again because of how far along we were, plus my heart issues need to be figure out first. Obviously it a waiting game, and we're working on the heart complications. It's more specialists, tests and surgery we have to go through.

After I asked him that he started to question his choice. He said we could go through all of that, and still end up with no baby...It broke my heart to hear him say that. The truth, my worst fear was out in the open. Because the truth is, we could go through adoption or infertility issues, and no matter which route we take, it's a lot of money and no promise of a baby. As I explained this to him, I could tell he knows why I'm struggling. All my life I've had  a dream, and I'm so close, yet so far from it. I have no idea if I will achieve this dream, or if that is all it will ever be...just a dream.

So I have no idea where this leaves me, where it leaves us. I want to try again, and yet that is time, patience, research, more doctor bills and visits, possibly heart break and no plan. Or should I forgo that and lean towards adoption, which still takes time, patience, research, lots of bills, possibly heartbreak and no plan.

I do research after research and everything I find talks about the struggles of getting pregnant, which I am unsure if I have or not, but my main problem is my babies don't stay. And it's heartbreak to go through.

I hope someday a small voice will call to me "Mommy"....Someday.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is October 15th, which was declared Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I have stopped doing the Month of Healing, because it seems to be a chore more so now than it was at the beginning of the month.

I found out my sister-in-law went into labor last night, too early, since she's about 32 weeks along. Both her and the unborn baby are doing well, which I'm very grateful for. My brother-in-law asked if we ever found out what happened to our baby, since they were due around the same time. I told him, which the umbilical cord had twisted too tight, and he said, "well you guys will have a baby soon." I appreciate the thought, but it hurt. Because he doesn't know that we will actually have a baby, and if so, when that will happen. It looks like we'll be more likely adopting,  but my husbands family won't look at that child, our child, the same as they would if I gave birth to it. It's upsetting, but they aren't necessarily very supportive anyway, so I don't believe that my family needs that influence in our life.

In this world there are so many what if's...I hope that someday, sooner than later, DP and I will have a take home, rainbow baby. Until then, we know and love our little angels in heaven, who we will see someday. They will always be remembered, and in honor of their existence, I have lit candles at 7 pm to remember those little lives, who are not with us anymore. For my angels, and friends' angels who I have met on this journey.

Day 10: Beliefs

As far as beliefs go, I have always believed in heaven, but even more so now. It's like I have to believe in it, because in heaven I will see all of my babies again. That is the only way I will ever see my babies again.

P.S. I didn't do Day 9: Music, because no particular song reminds me of any of my Bugs.

Day 8: Color

This is a picture of the sunrise this morning. It worked for color, because The sky was blue, some of the mountains purple, and the other mountains black. I don't know why these colors remind me of my angels, but they do. Dark purple for LylLeigh, darkish blue for Hunter and black/gray for Lochlan.

Day 7: Me Now

I have three angel babies. I've finally learned that it's okay to that it's okay to talk about it, and that I really am a mom. I hope to be a better mom to them. My angels are now 2 at the end of next month, 16 months yesterday, and 2 months yesterday.

Day 6: Rituals

I don't really have any rituals yet, except one. I have lost a baby every year for the past three years. So around Christmas time, I will go and purchase an ornament for the baby that passed that year, so every child of mine will have their own.

Also, today Lochlan is 2 months old in heaven. I miss you Bugs!

Day 5: Memory

I didn't do Day 4, because it was Legacy, and I haven't figured it out yet.

My favorite memory was finally during my third pregnancy, I got to hear what a baby's heartbeat sounds like. I was nervous, because we hadn't made it to 9 weeks yet, but at 8w3d, Lochlan had a strong heartbeat that brought tears to my eyes.

Day 3: Myths

It hurts more when you lose them later on....

I didn't want to post a picture for this, because I'm not exactly what kind of picture would capture this, but I've lost three babies two at almost 9 weeks and one at 20 weeks, which I delivered. Every time I heard "There's no heartbeat." My heart broke.

Day 2: Identity

So I started to do this yesterday, but then my computer started acting weird, so I'm posting it this morning...

I have three angel babies, which I refer to as my bugs. Every one of them has been called that in utero. The first we named LylLeigh Clair Mae, and call her Lovebug. My second we chose the name Hunter William Miach, and call him Junebug. These were the names we picked out while I was pregnant with LylLeigh. We though they were a girl and then a boy, so it worked out.

The picture is of what holds our third angel, Lochlan's, ashes. We chose the name Lochlan Whyatt Oliver. He was born at 20 weeks sleeping. He had short little feet, but long legs and arms. He was 9 inches long, and looked as if he was yawning.

They will always be loved and remembered. And when we do have a rainbow baby, they will know that they have a sister and two brothers.

Day 1: Sunrise

To start off, October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness month. I didn't know this until after losing Lochlan, or else I would have probably done this last year as well. As I have been navigating through my grief, I found this out, and a wonderful person host Capture Your Grief, 31 days and 31 photographs. I don't know if I will do everyday, but I thought I'd give it a shot. So at 6:25 in the beautiful Colorado Rockies, I took this picture:

I love this picture. It's surrounded by darkness, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. It may be small, but it's there. For my babies, my bugs. I love and miss you all terribly. 

Tragedy

Some people may think I'm crazy for posting this, but everyone has trials and tribulations in life. Some sort of tragedy occurs and they need to overcome it. I always thought that my "tragedy" would be a young mom, single parent by choice or death, or something along those lines. Now, I'm not saying that those won't be a trial of mine, because in all fairness I'm only 21. However, at the current moment I face a different tragedy. One I knew was a possibility, but I could have never guessed  it would happen to me now or how defeated it would make me feel. After lots of listening to KLOVE this past week and reading a great book, I'll Hold You in Heaven, I've done quite a bit of thinking. (On a side note, I'm only halfway through the book and I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, no matter the circumstance.)

Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I lost Lochlan, and at my postpartum appointment I took a test. This test revealed that I have Postpartum Depression. It's quite common, and definitely expected in cases like mine where you lose the baby. Yes, I'm grieving for the loss of my son. Not only for the loss of him, but for the loss of LylLeigh and Hunter as well. After a lot of thinking, I've decided not only am I grieving the losses of my babies, but I'm grieving for the loss of future children that I may have and may have had. I'm grieving for the loss of experiencing a full term pregnancy, of feeling the flutters of life inside of me, for the motherhood I thought I would experience.

I want you to understand that I'm not saying I will never be a mom, for I am a mother to three beautiful angels in heaven. Nor am I saying I will never be a parent, because I am aware there are options out there. Lastly, I'm not saying I will never have a full term pregnancy, because I believe in miracles and know that science will move forward. DP and I have not received information saying we will never successfully give birth to a baby, but between his history and my own, I'm aware of our chances not being in our favor.

So, for now, I grieve over these losses. I'm depressed that getting pregnant and having a baby is not easy for me, like it is for some. My "tragedy" is not being able to be a mother when, or how I thought. Being a single and/or young mom, wouldn't have been a trial or tribulation for me. Granted I don't want that to happen, because I would be devastated. I know parenting is hard, but I would have a great support system for that situation.

Instead evil has given me something different. Something my support system can't understand, nor have any of them been through it. And I'm grateful of that, because of the hard place it is to be. I wouldn't want any of them to experience this pain I feel. So, it is my trial....evil wants me suffer in the dark and alone.

NKJV John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I know now through KLOVE and this book, God didn't take my babies from me, but he is taking care of His children, and they are waiting for me. Yes, I'm still sad, and yes I will always miss them, but that is until we meet again.

And the years fly by

August 24, 2013

It's crazy to think that a year has gone by since I married the love of my life. To celebrate, we went to The Old Spaghetti Factory in Denver, then walked 16th Street Mall as it got dark. I really enjoyed it, because even though we've been through a lot, we're still in love and going strong. Every couple has hard times, but the moments are what make it all worthwhile. Even the blisters I got on my feet from walking in heels that night. 

My husband is the best husband for me, I could not have asked God to give me anyone who would have been a better match. He absolutely adores me, fights for me, loves me, and cares for me. Yes, we drive each other crazy at times, but we are each other's support system.

He is my rock, and I don't know what I would do without him. I thank God for giving me this man, who is my best friend, better half and the love of my life.

August 5, 2013

Our Dearest Snowbug,

We want to let you know that we love you so, so much. Today Mommy went in for a checkup, and we couldn't find your heartbeat. Tomorrow was supposed to be your 20 week A/S, but they brought in an ultrasound machine. You were measuring at 17 weeks, 3 weeks behind, and had no heartbeat. Mommy is going to see a cardiologist to give the go ahead to deliver you tomorrow. We then will know your sex and have your name picked out!

August 6, 2013

So we went to Labor and Delivery around 1 pm. I was already having contractions. After talking with a lot of specialists, we decided to give the labor and delivery process a go. I wanted so badly to give birth to you and hold you. They finally gave me some medicine at 5:30 to help the process of labor along. At 10 pm they checked me and gave me more medicine. By 11:30, I was having contractions every 5 minutes, and soon after you were delivered at 11:42 pm. It was kinda hard to tell, but looks like you're a boy. You were so beautiful. Jammie took pictures, and I got to hold you. Daddy was there every step of the way. He was so strong. We named you Lochlan Whyatt Oliver Ness. You were such a big boy! You were measuring 9 inches long and 7 ounces, which I believe means you were about 19/20 weeks along before your heart stopped beating. We love you and can't wait to see you someday. 

We love you so much our little Snowbug.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Have fun with your brother and sister. Enjoy the clouds and soar for Mommy and I. Your in our hearts.

Love, Daddy

Kayla's Wedding

July 27, 2013

I'm so happy for my best friend, as she walked down the aisle today and said, "I do" to the love of her life and best friend, Mark. I couldn't be happier for the both of them. I'm so glad that God leads people, and crosses their paths in their walk through life. Their paths are now entwined together as one. God has blessed these two people with each other, and I truly believe He has blessed mine as well, as they are a part of my life, and I got to be a witness of their wonderful union. I love you so much Kayla!!!

18 weeks tomorrow!

Bug,
can't believe this pregnancy is flying by so fast. I will be 20 weeks in two weeks, where I get to see you again! Then you will be here before we know it. I can't wait to meet you. Daddy and I finally are for sure on your name, but we won't know what to call you until we meet you though. Jammie will probably call you Little Miss if you turn out to be a girl, which is what her and Daddy think you are. Auntie Kayla thinks you're a boy, and I'm unsure of what to think. I know what no matter what though, we all already love you so much, and will except you for who you are.

We love you ever so much,

Mommy and Daddy

It shall be a surprise!

So Ness and I have our anatomy scan set for August 6th. We decided that we aren't going to find out the gender though. We have names picked out and everything. We just now have to actually get through the ultrasound. We'll see if we're successful I guess. Anyway, Ness is in the middle of packing because at the end of the month we're moving!!! We can't wait to be in a different state. And so happy that we will be with family through this time of bringing a new life into this world. Sorry for the short post. Just wanted to say all was well.

Here comes 16 weeks!!!

I have neglected this blog a little, but the past few weeks have been a little crazy. Ness put me on a mild form of bed rest, because of doctor's recommendations, and it has helped. I was told by one doctor to not lift, push, ect. anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I've been trying to minimize my driving because I drive a standard. I also was sent to a hematologist to get tested for different blood disorders, and I will hopefully get some results on Wednesday.

A month from yesterday, we get to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, and I can't wait. We already have names picked out and everything! Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks, and Bug will be the size of an avocado. Still anxiously waiting to feel the baby move, but it hasn't happened yet.

Also, life has been kinda crazy and due to all the medical things that have been going on with all the different doctors, we decided it would be best to leave earlier than planned. That being said, we will be on our way to Colorado at the end of July, and neither of us could be more excited. This also meant that last Monday was my last appointment with this ob/gyn. I'm a little anxious about not having an appointment for a little over a month, but I go to the doctors in Colorado on August 5th and then have my anatomy scan on the 6th. The 5th is with regular ob/gyn and, and the scan on the 6th is with the perinatologist (high risk doctor). Also on the 6th I meet with the cardiologist. I'm a little nervous with all of these appointments but I'm sure that Bug and I will be just fine.

I will try to keep this more up to date and be on here a bit more.

June 18, 2013

Bug,

So I went to the doctor's unexpectedly again. I got to see you and you're little heart beating away at 144. You were measuring 5 days ahead at 13w6d. I got to see your feet, and legs. You are the cutest little baby already. We love you so much. We're not nearly out of the woods yet, but since we're past first trimester, I'm going to finally post these tomorrow when I get your pictures on here. We're in the midst of packing and getting ready to leave at the end of July. I have an appointment to see you on August 5th at the new doctor's office. We love you so much.

Love, Mommy and Daddy