I have come up with a solution!!!

So last time I talked about my dilemma, but before I say this, I just wanted to say congratulation to that amazing woman I talked about who's pregnant. She made it to nine weeks, which is farther than she made it last time, so I'm sending her sticky dust, along with thoughts, hopes and prayers for the rest of her happy and healthy nine months.

Now back to my dilemma, or should I say Our Solution. That's right my husband, who cares so much about me, and I talked out options. We both loved that we married, we love each other very much; however, we both have things that we need to take care of on our own. This will hopefully get us out of this state! So I'm looking at going back to my hometown once the school year's over. I love my husband, he's so good to me. Anyway, talk to you soon!

What do you hope for?

So I was taking to someone about life. Then they asked me, "What do you hope for Kendra?"

This was my response:

"I'm hoping that I end up happy, with a loving family. I hope to not hurt anyone in the process. I hope my mom will be understanding. I hope no one gets mad at me, or that I get anyone upset...I hope I'm able to achieve my dreams, and that my future family is happy.

"I hope that whoever he is, will stand beside me, and I beside him. We'll be best friends, and can tell each other anything, knowing the other will be supportive."

This was on December 4...a day later I was reading two different blogs from to very different women, and yet I was jealous of both of them. One of which is a very nice, woman. She has a loving husband, and a dog. Why am I jealous of her? Because she's eight and a half weeks pregnant. I have baby fever so bad. I want so much to be pregnant and have a baby. The other woman is the opposite to say the least. She's happily married, and their "baby" is a rabbit named Toffee. She doesn't have baby fever, and never wanted to be the stay at home mom. What she does have is a husband, who's willing to be the stay at home dad, move across the country, and does things around the house cause he can.

I love my husband quite dearly, but I also love the idea of having a baby, of being pregnant, and being the stay at home mom. I don't want to choose between them though. I've hit a dilemma, and I don't know how to get out of it...

one big What If...?

One big What If...some of you are probably wondering what I'm going to talk about...well, I promise to explain what the one big What If is. As my wonderful husband and I talk about the possibilities life could provide for us, which occurs quite often and changes usually at the same rate. It's up in the air for us what the   future may bring us. I don't know if or when or where we'll move. I don't know if and when we'll have children. I don't know what I'll do as a job come this May when my hours get cut. Life is the big What if...? I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that it's an adventure that I get to enjoy with my love, my best friend.

I think that's dying. When I was little a woman told me that her husband was her best friend. Being younger than ten and having divorced parents, I thought she was crazy. I now understand more than ten years later what she means. I'm happy to say that I to married my best friend. As life moves forward, friends come and go, as do jobs and children will grow up and move away too. I know that through thick and thin we stand the stormy test of time. I find that my generation doesn't seem to understand that. They marry knowing that divorce is an option, there's contract marriages. And even though they say in their vows "till death do we part" I don't think they understand that's forever! Your life is meant to be with one person, someone you trust, love and can live with for years and years. No, I don't think most people look at it going into marriage "I'll be divorced most likely in five years."  I do however believe that they may give up to easily or not even be picky enough to start with. I may not be old enough or married long enough for some to have the credibility to state this, but these are my thoughts. And I'm very proud of my decision, who I chose, and who chose me! Anyway, that's all I'll say for now.

Hope

     So I have an amazing friend, and we're reading a book, The Shack by William P Young, together. I'm really liking this book and I'd recommend it to anyone, and yes, I've only read through chapter four. But yesterday we were talking about the book and something she said yesterday struck me. She was talking about how someone she knew was talking about how just because you pray for something, doesn't mean it will happen the way or at the time you want. And they are right, everything is on God's terms. I know I've written a previous blog post that had this same point, but bear with me. She said a verse Jeremiah 29:13 Seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.  She talked about how if you love God and know Him, then that will show through. Best of all, you will be better for it and He will give you a blessed life. And you know what? God does hear our prayers. He listens so attentively to us, and for some reason he does answer them. I've been praying for a baby, successful pregnancy, a healthy baby. And no I'm not telling you that I'm pregnant, but I know that I just need to love Him, lean on Him and trust Him with my whole heart and dreams. This doesn't mean that I'll have a baby, but it does mean that I will be blessed. I see this through my loving husband, my mommy, my step-mom, and my friend. God has perfect timing if it doesn't seem like it in that moment, the picture will reveal itself. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be a mom anymore, that I changed my mind about having children, or that I stop asking God for a miracle. But it reminds that I need to trust Him, love Him. And that Luke 11:9 So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. I have hope in the future, in my future, in our future.

The Box...

     I had this idea, but I thought I was crazy, at least a little bit. From expecting Lovebug, we had collect a few items for the arrival, and I wasn't the only one, for their Jammie had too (my mom). Then when we expected Junebug, the same thing happened, and sadly the same result as well, items with no baby. Not only was this the case, but while we were expecting our little Junebug, we attended classes that gave us "money" to buy more stuff for the baby.

     Then over the summer I watched a movie, Eat, Pray, Love. In the beginning of the movie her and her friend were talking about dreams. Her friend shows her The Box, this box contained her dreams of having a baby, as it was filled with baby stuff. She goes on to say that she has a box, but it's not filled with that, but filled with the dream of travelling. Right then and there I decided something, I needed a box. 

     I wasn't crazy to collect things that well help me fulfill this dream, or build it. All I needed was a box, so I could put this stuff away, and/or add to it until this dream came true. So I now have a box, and it keeps growing. I don't believe there is any gender specific things in my box. My dream is to have a baby and with every holiday or sale that passes, every time I go to the store, I look through to see if there's anything to add to The Box. It's our box, our love, our babies, it's part of us. 

Our thoughts...

So my husband (it's been over a month and I'm finally getting used to the word) and I were talking last night about our future plans. After having two miscarriages, we talked about trying one more time. We've also tossed around the ideas of adoption and foster care. We also went through the conversation of moving. I'm looking at finishing my degree at an associates level, then moving this next summer. We then will look into more info on fostering or adopting a child. I know it's a short post, just wanted to write down some thoughts.

Here's to the start of a new chapter!!!

So on August 24th at 3 pm, my best friend and I exchanged vows in Peace Arch Park. It was small ceremony (5 people total), by the beautiful Pacific Ocean, and I was barefoot! I couldn't be any happier and we stood in disbelief that it was truly happening. It was exactly want we wanted and needed (a break from everyday life).  So here's a few pictures:

Exchanging of Rings

The bouquet with the rings

The first dance, with no music

We went sailing for part of the honeymoon!