Life's blessings

First, I just want to say that I love the measuring spoons with the measurements of a "tad, dash, pinch, smidgen, and drop." I think they are just adorable!

Life has so many blessings, and God is so good to us. His timing is perfect, even if we don't know, or realize it at the time. Anyway, I just wanted to say that He loves us, He hears us, and he is oh so good to us. His timing has always been, and will always be perfect. I'm so thankful for my husband. I prayed for him, and sure enough, He gave me the best man, who loves me dearly and shows me just a smidgen of what God's love for me is like. I'm so thankful for my mother, who is an amazing friend, She loves me unconditionally, and accepts me for who I am, just like God does. I have amazing friends, who like to be with me, not with the me who will only go out after the make-up's on, not with the me, who sits quietly in places without giving an opinion. They love me for I am beautiful without the make-up, for when I'm quiet, yet can't seem to keep my mouth shut at other times. These are examples of God and how He loves me for....wait for it....ME!!!

I see how God looks down and smiles on us...I do this at work with the kids I work with. I can't help but smile at them, help them up when they fall down, comfort them and wipe away the tears. I love seeing them learn and discover...can you imagine what it's like for God to see this with us? Maybe just a smidgen? We're still learning everyday and discovering. How cool is that!?!

Anyway, food for thought...haha...get it? I start with measuring spoons and end with food...I must be hungry or something.

I have come up with a solution!!!

So last time I talked about my dilemma, but before I say this, I just wanted to say congratulation to that amazing woman I talked about who's pregnant. She made it to nine weeks, which is farther than she made it last time, so I'm sending her sticky dust, along with thoughts, hopes and prayers for the rest of her happy and healthy nine months.

Now back to my dilemma, or should I say Our Solution. That's right my husband, who cares so much about me, and I talked out options. We both loved that we married, we love each other very much; however, we both have things that we need to take care of on our own. This will hopefully get us out of this state! So I'm looking at going back to my hometown once the school year's over. I love my husband, he's so good to me. Anyway, talk to you soon!

What do you hope for?

So I was taking to someone about life. Then they asked me, "What do you hope for Kendra?"

This was my response:

"I'm hoping that I end up happy, with a loving family. I hope to not hurt anyone in the process. I hope my mom will be understanding. I hope no one gets mad at me, or that I get anyone upset...I hope I'm able to achieve my dreams, and that my future family is happy.

"I hope that whoever he is, will stand beside me, and I beside him. We'll be best friends, and can tell each other anything, knowing the other will be supportive."

This was on December 4...a day later I was reading two different blogs from to very different women, and yet I was jealous of both of them. One of which is a very nice, woman. She has a loving husband, and a dog. Why am I jealous of her? Because she's eight and a half weeks pregnant. I have baby fever so bad. I want so much to be pregnant and have a baby. The other woman is the opposite to say the least. She's happily married, and their "baby" is a rabbit named Toffee. She doesn't have baby fever, and never wanted to be the stay at home mom. What she does have is a husband, who's willing to be the stay at home dad, move across the country, and does things around the house cause he can.

I love my husband quite dearly, but I also love the idea of having a baby, of being pregnant, and being the stay at home mom. I don't want to choose between them though. I've hit a dilemma, and I don't know how to get out of it...

one big What If...?

One big What If...some of you are probably wondering what I'm going to talk about...well, I promise to explain what the one big What If is. As my wonderful husband and I talk about the possibilities life could provide for us, which occurs quite often and changes usually at the same rate. It's up in the air for us what the   future may bring us. I don't know if or when or where we'll move. I don't know if and when we'll have children. I don't know what I'll do as a job come this May when my hours get cut. Life is the big What if...? I don't know what will happen, but what I do know is that it's an adventure that I get to enjoy with my love, my best friend.

I think that's dying. When I was little a woman told me that her husband was her best friend. Being younger than ten and having divorced parents, I thought she was crazy. I now understand more than ten years later what she means. I'm happy to say that I to married my best friend. As life moves forward, friends come and go, as do jobs and children will grow up and move away too. I know that through thick and thin we stand the stormy test of time. I find that my generation doesn't seem to understand that. They marry knowing that divorce is an option, there's contract marriages. And even though they say in their vows "till death do we part" I don't think they understand that's forever! Your life is meant to be with one person, someone you trust, love and can live with for years and years. No, I don't think most people look at it going into marriage "I'll be divorced most likely in five years."  I do however believe that they may give up to easily or not even be picky enough to start with. I may not be old enough or married long enough for some to have the credibility to state this, but these are my thoughts. And I'm very proud of my decision, who I chose, and who chose me! Anyway, that's all I'll say for now.

Hope

     So I have an amazing friend, and we're reading a book, The Shack by William P Young, together. I'm really liking this book and I'd recommend it to anyone, and yes, I've only read through chapter four. But yesterday we were talking about the book and something she said yesterday struck me. She was talking about how someone she knew was talking about how just because you pray for something, doesn't mean it will happen the way or at the time you want. And they are right, everything is on God's terms. I know I've written a previous blog post that had this same point, but bear with me. She said a verse Jeremiah 29:13 Seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.  She talked about how if you love God and know Him, then that will show through. Best of all, you will be better for it and He will give you a blessed life. And you know what? God does hear our prayers. He listens so attentively to us, and for some reason he does answer them. I've been praying for a baby, successful pregnancy, a healthy baby. And no I'm not telling you that I'm pregnant, but I know that I just need to love Him, lean on Him and trust Him with my whole heart and dreams. This doesn't mean that I'll have a baby, but it does mean that I will be blessed. I see this through my loving husband, my mommy, my step-mom, and my friend. God has perfect timing if it doesn't seem like it in that moment, the picture will reveal itself. This doesn't mean that I don't want to be a mom anymore, that I changed my mind about having children, or that I stop asking God for a miracle. But it reminds that I need to trust Him, love Him. And that Luke 11:9 So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. I have hope in the future, in my future, in our future.

The Box...

     I had this idea, but I thought I was crazy, at least a little bit. From expecting Lovebug, we had collect a few items for the arrival, and I wasn't the only one, for their Jammie had too (my mom). Then when we expected Junebug, the same thing happened, and sadly the same result as well, items with no baby. Not only was this the case, but while we were expecting our little Junebug, we attended classes that gave us "money" to buy more stuff for the baby.

     Then over the summer I watched a movie, Eat, Pray, Love. In the beginning of the movie her and her friend were talking about dreams. Her friend shows her The Box, this box contained her dreams of having a baby, as it was filled with baby stuff. She goes on to say that she has a box, but it's not filled with that, but filled with the dream of travelling. Right then and there I decided something, I needed a box. 

     I wasn't crazy to collect things that well help me fulfill this dream, or build it. All I needed was a box, so I could put this stuff away, and/or add to it until this dream came true. So I now have a box, and it keeps growing. I don't believe there is any gender specific things in my box. My dream is to have a baby and with every holiday or sale that passes, every time I go to the store, I look through to see if there's anything to add to The Box. It's our box, our love, our babies, it's part of us. 

Our thoughts...

So my husband (it's been over a month and I'm finally getting used to the word) and I were talking last night about our future plans. After having two miscarriages, we talked about trying one more time. We've also tossed around the ideas of adoption and foster care. We also went through the conversation of moving. I'm looking at finishing my degree at an associates level, then moving this next summer. We then will look into more info on fostering or adopting a child. I know it's a short post, just wanted to write down some thoughts.

Here's to the start of a new chapter!!!

So on August 24th at 3 pm, my best friend and I exchanged vows in Peace Arch Park. It was small ceremony (5 people total), by the beautiful Pacific Ocean, and I was barefoot! I couldn't be any happier and we stood in disbelief that it was truly happening. It was exactly want we wanted and needed (a break from everyday life).  So here's a few pictures:

Exchanging of Rings

The bouquet with the rings

The first dance, with no music

We went sailing for part of the honeymoon!

A glimpse of an update...

I wrote a glimpse, because I promise to right more really soon. Frankly at the moment, I'm really busy working full time and trying to still have a life. On the down side of news, we have a second angel baby, Junebug. We said goodbye on June 11, 2012. I miss my bugs everyday, and working in the childcare center everyday, doesn't keep my mind from thinking, what if?, but it does keep me busy. I love everyone of those kids that I work with. A funny thing, being unable to have children. I get so frustrated at all the bad in the world. I question why God would let some people, who don't even want kids, abuse them, ect. have them, however there's a whole lot of people who want nothing more than a baby, and they can't have any. I don't think I'll ever understand, if God doesn't bless me with a child.

Also, Ness and I moved apartments. The catch is it's two doors away from the first place. However the reason why we moved, is that it's a lot bigger than the last place. Another positive point, is that it's a lot brighter, which I'm happy about. Anyway, that's the glimpse for now. 

For Him....

Father,

I wanted to say how sorry I am, for I am just a sinner. I'm reckless, young, naive, and just here. Without You, I could not be the person that other people see me as. A kind, warm-hearted, loving, gentle person. I don't see these qualities in me a lot of the time. I see an angry, wounded, weak...not quite a person...in the mirror. You've made me who I am, and I'm blessed to know that with You, through You I can be this person. The person everyone else sees, that I wish I could see too.

I love seeing this beautiful masterpiece You've created for us to live in, until we can be with You. I do know that we aren't supposed to hold onto this world, but I must admit how hard that really is, God. In this life, all I've ever wanted to be is a mom...to love a child with every part of me and to be called Mommy. I know that I can make an impact on so many children's lives with my chosen career; however, I want to impact at least on child's life how my mother impacted mine. I've always questioned whether I'd be able to have a child, but have never questioned whether I wanted to be  a mom. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how I can have a dream that is so real, but in Your plans, it's not for me. For every baby I bear in this life, I ask that You watch over them. I will love them all, and I hope to meet them all someday, no matter if it's in this life or the next.

Am I still considered a mom, even if my child doesn't exist in this life? It's amazing how much you can love someone you've never met. And yes, the plan might lessen over time, but it never goes away. I still miss my baby who is in Heaven with You, as You know. I think about Lovebug almost everyday. I hope they will know how much I wanted them and how I wish they could have been here on earth.

Thanks for listening,

Your Loving Daughter

Here's to the future 2.2

Now that the news is not so new, I'm done with school until the fall and my mom has met my fiance, life is going to get crazy, and I'm going to start planning. (I started the other day by trying on dresses with my mom). And it was my second day out, when we found the one. We've set the date for Wednesday, June 19, 2013! I couldn't be more happy. At the moment though, I'm not sure what else there is for me to do. I've picked the dress, the date and the place. We're come up with a pretty good sketch of the guest list, and picked the colors. Oh, and of course a budget. We've even picked a caterer. I know there's still a lot to do, but for the most part it seems like you can't do anything about it at the moment. This is slightly frustrating to me because I'm a planner and won't have time during the school year to do much.

However, I still have not come up with a plan on how I'll plan a wedding, go to school full-time and work full-time. I just have to work hard, remember to spend time with David and my MOH, and hope for the best.

So here's to the future! 2.1

Revised What an Adventure! (In case you were wondering why it's 2.1)

April 7, 2012

     So on April 1st, and no it wasn't a joke, David proposed!!! I'm so excited to be getting married. Even though it's  set for fourteen months away, I'm getting married and planning a wedding. And the ring...wowsers!!! I'm in love. I saw this ring and I wanted it so bad, then we went back to get it and it was gone. I was so sad that I literally cried myself to sleep that night.
      Well, a w-h-o-l-e week later he proposed with The Ring. I was so estatic, and yet upset at him for faking me out like that. I of course said yes, so now my fiancee and I are into wedding planning. =)

I can't wait,
    Soon-to-be Mrs.

What now...?

I apologize for taking so long to write. It's been such a long time, and I have been very busy. It doesn't help that I don't have internet in my apartment. Where should I start? Even though it was hard, and some days it is still difficult, I'm coming to terms that I won't have my baby in this lifetime. My boyfriend and I have weathered through it all, and he's been so strong and supportive for me. I however am not writing to dwell on this; I just wanted to give an update.

I have had a crazy schedule and now that all my plans have changed, I have to make new ones, right? Well, right after this all had happen to keep my mind busy I started to make plans. These were some crazy, and I mean crazy plans. My boyfriend and I had discussed when I got pregnant, that we'd probably get married in the future, but no promises because neither of us wanted to. Well, after the miscarriage I asked one simple question, "Do you still want to marry me?" Not that we ever planned on it in the first place, nor that I actually wanted to get married, but he looked at me in all seriousness, "yes." That was all I needed, and I ran with it. I was over the hill in dates, colors and places, and up to my head in 'Who to invite?' I wasn't even engaged, pregnant, nothing....and I was planning a wedding. Not to mention, I'm a poor college student who moved into an apartment and is now...broke. How would I even afford an small court wedding, not even an extravagant one like this. I wanted to always be a housewife, but the wife part, maybe not so much. This, I hope sounds funny, because looking at it now, I sound insane to myself, let alone the world I told about it...

Oops, because my plans have, of course, changed again. I have only discussed these now with two people, my mom, who's one of my best friend, my boyfriend, and you. We've talked about many options, but the most recent, decided on one has been for him to work full time, me finishing school (maybe even back in Colorado) to get a bachelors and then getting married. (Between now and then, I hope to get a ring.) This seems more like a reasonable option because it will give us time together, maybe apart, to figure things out, save money, and of course, plan more...